soul happy smile

oh, this could be a bad idea, getting me going.  i really do need to go do some work, but the intention is to keep this short.

i feel good.  like a different kind of good.  at my "company meeting" a couple of days ago i was discussing with liz the status of my heart regarding dustin.  he and i sorta of discussed getting together again to hang out sometime and i was saying i wondered if i should do it or not, and that i'd see how saturday at the market went...if he would bring it up or whatever.  and liz thought for a quick sec and then abruptly said, "no. you're not doing that.  this is not the way."  she said it so abruptly, and almost with a shift in persona, that it seemed to shift something in me.  i could feel it.  she continued, "you do not need to wait for him to do anything.  you will go about your business, focus on things you love, on becoming the best woman you can be, and things will pan out as they should.  you're not going to wait for him."  liz is not necessarily a bold, matter-of-fact person, but she definitely spoke as such.  and in the few moments while she spoke i got a sense of who i have been in the past months.  shaken, needy, afraid, desperate at times.  and no, i didn't want to be that, and that's what led to even more discomfort for me, but i still was that.  and i pictured dust and i coming together and it felt wrong.  like i was bringing an unwhole person to the party.  a person that didn't feel like me.  its hard to explain, but so many things shifted in that moment.  subtly perhaps, but profoundly.  and they are sticking.

no, i will not wait.  these past few months i have been blaming my neediness/emptiness on my romantic heart, and dont get me wrong, i love that part of me.  she is tender and beautiful and passionately loves being connected to people.  i will not reject her.  however, these past 10 days of morning meditation, of being intential about tapping into the true, grand, essense that is me have apparently helped me to remember that i am so much greater than that.  i am a divine expanse of a soul, filled with power and beauty and all things magnetic and good.  i want to bring THAT into a relationship.  not a desperate heart filled with longing.

so.  whether prayer, meditation, time, or (possibly prophetic) words from a friend are what instigated this powerful and relieving shift, i am grateful.  feels good from my bones to skin. 

i love you, dust.  and thank you for sharing yourself with me.  for being who you are, where you were, for the struggle that ensued after we separated.  i know it is all for my highest good, and for yours.  today i dont miss you, i just love you and bless you.  and know we are connected, but that the connection is free-flowing and gentle and allows for physical separation at any time without angst.  i send nothing but positive energy and love your way always. 

thank you god for all of this. for the evolution of our souls.  for supporting always.