Day 8, trains?

wonderful weekend in the ATL.  great concert, played swords with some kids, got pedicures, took naps, did a free yoga class and took major advantage of hampton inn's continental breakfast/lunch. and i got to hear one of my most soul-filling things, too.  from lizzie - "you said something the other night that really stuck with me........"  ahhhh.  If anything ever makes me feel like im fulfilling my purpose on earth, it's hearing those words.  makes me feel complete, successful, content, so happy.  so thanks, for telling me, sweet friend.

I did find myself completely worn out saturday morning when i woke and eventually attributed the exhaustion to a week full of grief.  fuckin grief.  always wearing me out.  this round got me for sure.  i'm still feeling it today, over a week later.  just finished my beloved hot yoga class and am now having a hard time keeping my eyes open. but my mind is so wonderful because she's so driven: "no don't go take a nap, you can get some work done...just focus on your accounting, once you get going you'll knock it out. you've been gone all weekend, you need to put some hours in.  don't let your tiredness distract you from making a successful business."  and my mind is so wonderful because she really does try to take care of me: "everything will be okay.  what would it be like if you just took care of what your mind and body needed?  you slept nine hours last night, had incredibly scary dreams, i.e. released a lot of good emotion, and you are still very, very tired.  maybe the universe wants you to sleep and heal more, and work is just a distraction?"  I'm choosing to work.  whether it is fear or strong character and discipline that influences this decision i do not know.  let's say the latter, it makes me feel cooler.

i did some emotional tapping on this trip.  mom's technique for helping to move obsessive thoughts through the mind and body when they get stuck.  i tapped out these little suckers:

"I shouldn't love him."
"I feel stupid for wanting him back."
"I need to figure this out."
"I miss him."
"I feel like I'll never get over this."
"I'm afraid to see him."
"I'm afraid to let go."

I'm just ready for this mental overworking to be done.  Hoping and praying that last weekends' rendezvous was my last pitfall....get it alllll out.  this last round of painful sadness and confusion was so sudden and intense that i think i'm actually afraid to let thoughts of him linger in my mind, as opposed to before when i just did/t want them there because i thought they shouldn't  be there after all this time.  so I've decided i would play "Rail Rush," my fave, fast finger-swiping, intense focus game everytime i started to think about him.  i'm not opposed to pulling over while driving.  I'll rewire my brain somehow damnit.  Ima make this shit work. :)  what i really want to do is do yoga all day every day and meditate in costa rica til im a zen master.  i wanna go right. now.

john from kickball asked me to go out sometime via facebook message.  i said no, at least not for a couple months cuz "romance has been wearing me out lately!" (my girlfriends also added that no one should get a "yes" from a facebook invite. waaay too lame.) i just can't do it.  my heart is too wounded.  im sure of it now.  i've got no juice. and believe my wisdom is clouded over, too.  so no.  again, i say, nikki is on the bench.

lord, be near.  be with me.  thank you for friends who love and support me.  thank you for all your gifts.  thank you for rest.  bring healing soon.  get me out of the way if i am slowing the process down in any way.   please, please.