day 4

better.  i opted for listening to the bible instead of music this afternoon on the way to kickball.  turns out, the bible can make me cry, too.  of course, this feels better than crying over him.

i am not scared of you.  i will read my grief book and read the bible and go to yoga and feel the pain and i will be fine.

"i don't dance unless i hear music and i dont scratch my head unless it itches. i will not be intimidated."

LOVE.

and i love my kickball team.  my amazing friends. amazing yoga teachers.  so much love all around me.  praise the lord, praise the lord.

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pretty much just re-read all i have written since january.  there have been many times i have thought about how many entries i have written about him and shamed myself some, saying, "i can't believe how much you need/do write about this guy, you're so lame."  but as i read tonight all i can think is, man, i have written some really beautiful things.  perceptive, emotional, intuitive, true.  i am beautiful.  in my heartbreak, in my pain, in my love, in my peace, in my honesty.  i would love one day to be able to confidently say to him, "you should read what i wrote about you....you may enjoy it."  today i really thought he might.  but the "he" i speak of there is the "he" i love, not the "he" that sucks, that walks away, and was never really interested and/or never will be again.  The "he" that will never be as wonderful as he was to me for those 2 months.