Got out the computer to write but not really sure what about.
My mood likely. Even sleep deprived and having dreamt of dave, it's surprisingly better this morning than it was most of yesterday.  Probably because it gives me a feeling of accomplishment, relief, and success just getting out of bed instead of missing my alarm.  Could also because I touched my hair this morning and it didn't feel like a thick greasy, tangly, mess.  It even looked pretty in the mirror.

Nine days left.

Nine days left wondering if I will settle in more when I am not working so much.  Wondering if I will feel better when I have a chance to create a more balanced life outside of this restaurant.  Of not having enough energy to go out and see other restaurants and meet new people and see what the social life is like.  Of wondering if I like it hear and if I will stay longer than my promised three months.  To be fair also, nine days left of not spending any money because I dont have anywhere to go or anything to do.

I am trying to be appreciative of this time.  patient.  not look too hard to the future to bring me hope and peace when it takes me out of the present.  and im doing a pretty good job.  ive attributed my discomfort to a number of possible things as a way to aid in the process, to make peace with my unsettled feelings: missing my friends, being challenged by the new language and wanting to know more than i do, being suddenly responsible for an entire business (and a dog), suddenly working 16 hours a day after not working at all for a year, general perfectionism, creepy latin men, ending things with dave/being disappointed by that whole situation, having very little alone time, riding the learning curve of it all - the new business, the dog, the language, the culture, being away from my people, having a "life" somewhere that I had never been/didn't choose because it felt good being here-all of it.  So I see all these things, and recognizing them and being gentle with myself helps me not go down a "ahhh, im not happy whyyyy" path.  But I also can't help but wonder if this place just isn't for me.

Im grateful that i have a job, a job that im good at to boot, and that i get to speak way more spanish than i thought i would, and that the people i work with are lovely, and that my roommate is great, and that there's an awesome yoga studio across the street, and the jenna is here and awesome.  but something still feels a bit off and i dont know what it is.

you know this could also be a good thing.  it could be that normally i feel something similar and i just use coping mechanisms that i am accustomed to and thus never really get to the core of whats happening, or learn to just be with it as is.   So now, in a different country, a different world, i dont have my usual coping mechanisms and comforts so i am forced to deal and/or accept.

this is good.  how cuold it not be?