chchchchanges

HOLA.

i am excited.  i am ready.  i am nervous.  i am antsy.  i am sad.  i am hopeful.  i am ummm i dont know what.  and i am always trying to figure out what i am and why.

i have to leave the apartment i share with carly mid-may.  before i found this out i was actually feeling totally content.  telling people (and of course myself) that i was feeling very happy here and maybe i would stay until october if things keep feeling the way they do.  "i will stay til i don't like it anymore."

so i found out i need to leave and almost immediately it seemed a switch flipped and i decided maybe it was time to go.  and since then it seems i dont like it anymore.  i dont not like it, but i dont feel the same contentment.

i am bored at work and find myself thinking, daydreaming about new cities and new opportunities.  where will i live?  what kind of apartment?  what will i do for work?  will i pursue a passion project or find some job where i make good money?  will i work with property investments, stock market, healing breathwork?  the options feel limitless and just right on the threshold of overwhelming/debilitating.  of course sandwiched around these thoughts are feelings of sadness and denial about having to leave my friends and life here.  am i giving up too soon?  wont i miss everyone and everything so much?  i dont want to forget about the things i do love and get sucked into a more "socially acceptable" life in the states.  did i just get the idea in my head that it's time to go and now ive got "senioritis" and im bailing and being a spoiled brat who just because she's bored at work thinks she gets to leave? dude what a shaming voice that is!  why do i do that??  why am i afraid to let that go?  to instead speak to myself positively, and without fear, trusting my intuition, being really ready to accept all the good that the universe and my vortex is ready to show me?

i suppose its just because its such old patterning.  such a deeply held societal myth that we need to be afraid of our decisions all the time.  that we need to be a certain way.  that whatever way we are being is potentially wrong.  that life can't be THAT easy.

path of least resistance.
what is the path of least resistance for me right now?

to tell myself i dont have to figure it out. vs. "i just need to...find a place i love then see what that place needs//find something i can do from anywhere so i can find a place i like to live//search the internet, use my creativity, DIG IN MY BRAIN FOR AN IDEA, visualize, visualize, visualize!, etc etc."  because remember, everything is already in my vortex, i dont have to DO anything to get it.

it will come.  just relax. be.  least resistance.

i feel like i need an anchor though.  you know how i am with dates, etc...

ok back to least resistance.

surf when i FEEL LIKE IT.  when my desire is there 100%.  when it feels easy.  reminder: i always have the best days when i do what i WANT to do.  not what i should or ummm maybe it could be fun.  lets do more wants.  for example.  yes it would be fun to surf again at 4 today.  but i dont want to go back to the restaurant and get my board so i am not going to go.  the time will open up for me to go.  i always get what i need.  always always always.  the opportunity to ride 2 diff short boards was just given to me.  free tour to rincon de la vieja.  pot brownies.  infinity pool after infinity pool.  days off.  beautiful sunsets.  free iphone.  all the surfboards i want to try.  a venezuelan lover/snuggler.  a koozie.  exactly the right amount of money in my bag to pay for something.  a straw for my mason jar.  to work on a motorcycle while my man (of the moment) and i drank bourbon.  sunscreen chapstick.  more time with sandrine.  connection with miguel.  free places to stay right when i needed it.  a running buddy, advice giver, story sharer, and listener.  i got to move around for a year spending significant chunks of time with my people in their home environments.  and im currently living in a spanish speaking country.  not to mention compliment after compliment from even total strangers. whoa, whoa, lets not forget about my rendezvous with junior.  yowza!  all these things i have wanted and received without forcing, or without even realizing i was asking!

i want to go on a surf trip.  a week of consistent teaching.  feeling strong and able and like ive figured it out.  i want to be strong at handstands.  i want to be fluent in spanish. to be able to move to any country and find friends and adjust and fit in.  to be able to start a life.  i want a clifside house-ish with an view.  big windows, breezy porch, green green plants, clean comfy architecture.  i want to go to hawaii.  i want to fly to see my friends and family when the mood strikes.  i want to pay for people to come visit me.  i want to feel great in my body. to love cooking and enjoying and laughing.  to have time and space to entertain in my space.  to be able to work in a nice environment and for it to be easy for me to feel productive.  for me to have plenty of time and space to get my work done and to have plenty of payment for the work that i do.  i want to let the idea come to me.  and for it. to. be. easy.  i want to have a baby one day.  i want to have an amazing man by my side who makes me feel stronger and more myself and inspired and at ease.  i want to just LOVE each other.  i want us to just make sense.  i dont want to worry about when i will meet him. i want a truck like juniors but better. :) cuz it's mine.  its suits ME.  flowers.  to live in a pretty place where flowers about.  right now i just thought i want to have a conversation with rebecca that helps me to not feel guilty like im abandoning her.  i want to go back to spain. gah! there's this housesitting website that has all these listings...i just feel like i need a mobile career or option before i go....but man! such a good idea.  okay, sorry.  sidetracked.  i want to get into real estate. i want to have a million dollars in the bank.  like what whaaat.

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today i got to go surfing with 4 boys under 24 who laughed with me, spoke spanish the whole time, and one who told me i was the hottest boss he's ever had.

all in all, i'd say my life is already pretty amazing.