home

today i kind of want to go home.  dont really know why necessarily.  just this feeling like, "if i leave here and go there i'll feel better." but would i?
like i could be home and my focus could and prob would be any number of things.
i just need to break up with dave.
i just need to get a different apartment.
i just need to find a job i like.
i just need to practice and get better at yoga.
i need to be more social.  i need to find a man.  i need to meditate more.

would that be true?  dont know.

i guess i just want to feel more like, "wow, this place is amazing.  these people, this beach, this food, this city, this whatever.  and i dont.  all sort of neutral.

but if wise woman speaks she says, "energy cannot be created nor destroyed.  feelings of exuberance happen most often when other feelings aren't using up your energy.  most of your energy right now is being spent on remembering your spanish, navigating the jeff/rebecca dynamic, and learning all the ins and outs of this business.  its the first time you've had a job in a year! you're doing great. no te preocupes."

on another note, i see myself wanting to improve all aspects of the business here.  not because they need it but because isn't that what you're supposed to do?  always improve.  always work?

the business needs to improve.  is this true?
yes.
can i absolutely know that its true?  no.
how do i feel when i believe this is true, that the business needs to improve?
i start looking for things to do.  i feel scattered.  like im trying to get motivated.  anxiousl   pressure, like jeff is going to get mad at me.  im not doing my job.  i need to work harder.
who would i be without the thought "the business needs to improve?"
i would just do th things i was told to do. focus harder on those and relax more when there's nothing to do.
turn it around.
the business does not need to improve. (or i dont need to improve it)
i need to improve.
the business needs to improve me.
no.  the business does not need to improve...and it is not my responsibility.
three examples:
1-jeff did not say, "i want you to come down here and improve my business."
2-i am not the business owner.
3-the business seems to be supporting itself.  again, its not mine, its not my responsibility.
4-jeff said, we need some help managing.  i never claimed to be good managing a restaurant.  i am good with numbers and quickbooks, thats what i said.