all things new

I am home.  (Sort of.)

Today is the spring equinox, a new moon, and a solar eclipse, all astrological energies that point to and support new beginnings.  This feels really good to me.

"We might call this a pivot point, a time of choosing new options and releasing the old.  It is a time for breakthroughs and insights, when we can ride the energies of change into a new future."

Ride the energies of change into a new future...What does that look like for me?

ideally it looks like letting go of insecurities and embracing self love. letting go of worry about the universe's provision and embracing peace and trust.  increasing my ability to receive freely.  feeling comfortable and grounded around all people no matter the interaction.  trusting myself.  my god.  receiving my man, my partnership with this incredible human.  letting him love me while i love him and love myself at the same time.  moving into a career that feels fulfilling and challenging and empowering.  moving into abundant financial wealth. moving into more creativity.  pulling my intuition down into my power center to express my higher will confidently.  speaking my mind clearly, but with compassion and love.  always for others and myself simultaneously.  letting go of worry about others' disappointment, dislike, or disapproval of me and instead taking care of myself fervently and consistently.

turning points.  what feels the most foreign lately is the idea of consciously choosing to let go of things when and because i know they aren't serving me.  this instead of holding on until they gradually go, (and have caused more than enough pain) or even keeping them because that is what ive always done and i dont know quite know how to just suddenly do things differently.  my example is the way i am [working on] letting go of Nutty and all things (and some people) that go along with it - checking in on them, feeling the need to maintain openness, concern, attention, assistance...even sending loving energy.  and maybe it feels so foreign because im actually doing what i need to do (taking care of myself and leaving it all alone) without horrible pain or confusion alongside of it.  Meaning i dont really miss it.  i dont feel this major struggle.  ive let it go and i feel great and it sometimes feels selfish because im putting myself first and i dont really give a shit.  my boundaries are up and it feels so good that i feel guilty sometimes.  so maybe there's a pivot point in there somehow.

and of course just choosing to really let go of any and all memories and stories of him.  or anyone or thing like him.  the things i fall so desperately in love with as "little nicole" that i think will make me happy.  and then hold on to because i think i have to in order to justify the irrationality with which i fell in love with them in the first place.  to just let it alllll go.  poof.  done.  a new beginning.

and to then be a different person.  someone who has changed but doesn't know how to articulate the means or define the result and is okay with that.  someone who can be patient and doesn't have to understand all things, others, or even herself. someone who can be quiet, who doesn't have to prove anything to anyone, to herself, or to God.  someone who is comfortable in the striving and the resting. someone who is brave enough and loves herself enough to create the life she wants, even if that means seeming to others that she is a different person today than she was yesterday.  to be open to infinite possibilities of expression, learning, and discovery.  to be a person who is comfortable with the idea that when she says she wants to let go of him and the past and all stories that dont propel her forward and she only half believes she can do that, she still says it anyway. and believes its okay.  its okay to put the intention out loosely and it is enough.

she is enough.  gentle is enough.

new beginnings.  and endings.

and beginnings.

Farewell, one

So nice when i write.  because i change so much.  and i feel so much.

i used to get annoyed with myself because i only write when im emotional.  but damn. its good to see my emotion.  see it evolve.  feel it evolve.  and feel the memories just by the words.

i cant believe i didn't write about seeing the one.  oh, how i love him.  i can see him walking around the office.  his body moving.  i just stared at him.  appreciated him.  my eyes drank him in like an aficionado would drink in the work of their hero.  i listened. i asked.  i spoke.  he listened.  the room was thick thick thick with love and passion and confusion and magic and pretending and reality knocking up against dreams.  mmm.

then the other walked in.  broke it up.  he needed to i suppose.  wish he hadn't, but knew he would.

the weirdest thing, those contrasting feelings.  because the other has been so good.  we'd had the best night (and morning).  and i really care about him.  he sees me and he really cares about me.  but the one.  (head shakes). you know how i feel about him.  and it surprised me how i felt standing there between the two of them.  that i had to have an internal battle about how i would treat my one in front of the other.  if the other knew my struggle, and what was actually going on in my brain when he walked in, he would no longer be speaking to me, im sure of it.

desires and shortcomings aside, it was farewell.  im claiming it.  and i am away and when i am away it is far, far easier.  and im about to go even further away so i pray it will get even easier.  i dont want to go back.  to the longing.  to scraping up crumbs.  he is not mine.  i will miss him, but i dont even really know him, and my soul will find another and i will forget him.  this will be but a blip.

but hopefully i will not forget what it seems the universe was so gracious enough to slap in my face: here are these two men.  two wonderful feelings you have for both of them.  the one feels warm and good and easy and like it could be enough for you.
it. is. not.
the other is too big, too rich, too beautiful, too deep and connected.  if you had never felt this, then the first just might be enough.  but you have. so it is not.

so you will wait. and keep being, and loving, and experiencing.
until you find the other.  the big, the deep, the rich, the beautiful, the deep and connected.
and he will be available and he will love you with the same love.
and you both will continue.  to be, to love, to experience.  together.

i dont trust me today

Im tired so i will not write much.

I smell like him.  the other one.  and it smells great.  and he smells great and he makes me happy and i love talking with him and snuggling with him and i actually really like being naked with him.  he treats me well, interests me and is interested in me.

i cant say hes my one.

and yesterday that was fine and today it wasn't.

and not even because i was thinking of the one.  ive actually felt quite over him.  like, what have you done for me lately/ever?  this guy is really trying and yet also really easy and what the FUCK have YOU done for me lately?? NOTHING.

so that's been really nice.

i told wern yesterday that i was really just happy.  and present and not worried....and i didn't want to worry about how things were going to pan out.  sean had told me to take care of myself, see him every day or not at all, and he was good with whatever i needed.  and that was great!  it made me invite his ass over for a sleepless, naked night.  but today i got weird.  i started to worry i guess. thought about stupid w.  why do i worry and WHY would i think about him? i worry about sean, his heart, my heart, if im doing something wrong, if we are building a relationship that is going to be harder to break.  and i worry about sex.  that i wont be in the mood, that it wont be good.  that we need to be careful because the sex is getting more personal and connected.

i hate that i get weird like this.

but then i can't decide if im supposed to get weird because maybe it needs to end or if im really just bad at being intimate with men.  either way i wish i didn't feel so wishy washy.

he was so sweet though tonight, letting me send him home and all.  he made my weirdness as painless as it could be i suppose.

again, i'll just go to sleep and pray everything will work itself out in the morning (in my head and real life).  ...and that he will say something great to calm me again tomorrow....and that i dont see the one at all this week.

settling

sometimes it feels nice to just think of him, to stare at things that remind me of him, and to just shamelessly, utterly, and simply love them.  To think, "he's just the love of my life."

no excuses.  no explaining.  just accepting.
------
------
i wanted the other in my bed tonight.  i missed him.

then, i thought, that's crazy.  you're just lonely. you miss your one, can't have your one and so you'll settle for the other.

that's probably true.

the thing is, i actually felt like i missed him.  and maybe i do a little.  but maybe we humans are just amazing balls of coping and adapting and searching and finding and readjusting.  and settling.

Hey

It was good to see you today.

it's always good though, really, even when it's not.

just a quick note to be clear with my words in case you cant read between the lines of all other forms of expression:

if things dont work out with your current situation, if something inside of you is screaming for something different.  and if that something different also feels true and deep and real, know that i am here hoping you will choose it.

im not saying i will always be here.  i wont wait around as some sort of back up plan.  but i am here right now. and i wanted you to know that you have been in my heart since the day i met you and im not sure why.

so i am sending this note.  but if that something isn't screaming, then all will be well with both of us and this is just a passing, interesting heart experience. and that is more than okay, too.

dont make me wait long for a response, even if it is a response that says you will think about it.  or you wont.

n

----
fascinating.

i now see why i love the good wife.  "the romance is one thing but life and a plan is another."

dreaming about him and us and feeling our "love" versus actually writing it out in an email is a completely different matter.  putting your money where you mouth is.

and i was like, um, im not ready to spend that money.  not even close. but how ballsy would it be if i was??

ha.

so much

has happened.

to say.

to wonder.

to let go.

------

i will write.  i will write.  i will write.

i have wanted to write all day.  to figure things out probably.  my mind is all over the place.  not in an anxious way per se.  but all over the place nonetheless.

-----

time with sean was really nice.  i appreciated him so much.  its amazing how different people can bring out different things in you.  i didn't feel i was being anything less than fully me, fully present, fully alive.  yet seeing how someone else can bring out/emphasize something different in me just 36 hours later shows how complex and beautiful we humans are.

-----

i am on the right track. i am.

i am moving forward.  i swear!
-----

am i trying to hold on?  WHAT part of me is trying to hold on?  i let it go!  i deleted the emails!  i slept with someone else! i gave my trust to the universe, to god, to life, to bring me more!  i believe it no longer servers me to hold on to the past!

but.

i let go and he comes to me.  subtly of course.  not begging.  hes not back. [what do i expect honestly? if you are really letting it go, dont hang out where he may be, how bout that?  but i like it there!  i dont go there to see him, i go there because i just dont have any desire to go anywhere else.  i swear its not about him!]

so we cross paths today.  after ive talked about sleeping with someone else who made me feel amazing - comfortable, light, fun, sexy, content.  SO genuinely and fully i felt and talked about these things. and i am open to the NEW, the future.  for the first time, not looking back.  but he walks in.  and i remember immediately.  no, i know immediately.  this is not even remembering.  

whoa.  That is a different story.  A MAN.  Whoa. 

and i hang up the phone call i just began and i talk to him.  and he's here.  he's present.  oh, sweet sweetness.  The one I love.  This presence that stole my heart so effortlessly.  when im in that presence, my time with sean feels surreal and frivolous and cheap.  though at the time i felt nothing of the sort!  but in the presence of my one, i feel i have settled.

but i havent!  i mean, how could that be?  sean is single, present, enamored, honest.  This one is here and gone and not mine.  

i cannot describe the contrasting, shifting feelings and the surprise that went with them.

-------

he said he would love to flip houses for a living.  doing the work himself, having less stress in his life.  my soul saw and felt our life together.  it was so natural to go there.

and then she sighed as she realized, nope.  not this time.  another lifetime, another place.

-------

bright side: my emotional body now very clearly knows the difference between appreciating/enjoying a person and being in love.

--------

when you fall in love with a person, like the way i am with him, where it doesn't make sense to the majority of my being, does it ever go away?

which brings me to another line of thinking: STOP.  stop stop stop.  When, Nicole, will you draw the line?  Stop hoping? I know you've let go of hoping for the past, for things to be romantic again.  Maybe now it's time to stop hoping that you can even be friends?  maybe you need to cut him out entirely.  just know that you are in love with him and it will not go away and therefore you must be strong and avoid avoid avoid.   

that makes me sad.

------

he uses my energy.  he doesn't fill me up. go away from him.  stand your ground.  boundaries.

every time i go out of town and am away from him i feel better.  more satisfied.  grateful.  [so that's great and all but how do you explain what happened today?  i mean, it makes sense that if i am grateful and happy and not seeing any problems with my life then i should just keep doing the thing that makes me feel that way.  and im all for that.  but then.  when i see him and i just fucking love him.  and feel like ohhhh thaaaat.  thaaat's what this is supposed to feel like.  that feeling makes it hard to think its right to just run away and live as if that feeling doesn't exist.  like im settling.  you know?  but maybe its just a trap.  a test.  an experience.

choose wisely.

____

i fantasized about having one magical night with him before i leave the country and we aren't careful and i get pregnant.  and i was HAPPY thinking about it.  even if we weren't together.  just having his baby made me happy in my fantasy.  like it justified our connection maybe.  i wasn't afraid of repercussions.  i wouldve been happy if it happened.

what makes that worse is that sean and i weren't exactly careful this weekend.  and ive already taken a shitload of vitamin c just in case.  i dont want to have his baby.  but this other one.  the married one.  who disappoints me over and over and over again.  i would.

so fucking weird.

-------

so should i stop going to bull street? really say goodbye? i guess maybe.

whats meant to be will be.

ill try to continue focusing on the new and fresh and my one who will make me feel like sean did AND how he does.

WHAT are you saying universe?
----

I will say it was nice today.  all this drama im writing about, yes its there a little.  but not like it was.  and i do just love him.  and appreciate him.  and like shannon said today, "just enjoy that hug."

what great perspective.  enjoy what you had with him.  be grateful.  and carry on.

also

just had another thought after reading an older post talking about how i missed him.

what do i miss?  what HIM do i miss?  i don't even know.  i dont even like the him that talks about sex and women and judges people and their lip hair.

etc.

what do i even like?  i instinctively want to change all of those things about him.  i feel they are fueled from insecurity so he just needs to work on that and quit being such an asshole.  but thats HIM.  when you love someone you love all of them, right?  you don't see their insecurities and want to change them.

shouldn't that be enough to make any desire and longing go away?