for real.

funny, i ended up sending the very message i wanted to send to dave a week or so later.  just condensed.  no need for fluff.  it's time.

when i suddenly found myself expressing full pigeon yoga posture yesterday (the posture of letting go, of relationships with yourself and with others) i knew it was time. and i feel so good.

home

today i kind of want to go home.  dont really know why necessarily.  just this feeling like, "if i leave here and go there i'll feel better." but would i?
like i could be home and my focus could and prob would be any number of things.
i just need to break up with dave.
i just need to get a different apartment.
i just need to find a job i like.
i just need to practice and get better at yoga.
i need to be more social.  i need to find a man.  i need to meditate more.

would that be true?  dont know.

i guess i just want to feel more like, "wow, this place is amazing.  these people, this beach, this food, this city, this whatever.  and i dont.  all sort of neutral.

but if wise woman speaks she says, "energy cannot be created nor destroyed.  feelings of exuberance happen most often when other feelings aren't using up your energy.  most of your energy right now is being spent on remembering your spanish, navigating the jeff/rebecca dynamic, and learning all the ins and outs of this business.  its the first time you've had a job in a year! you're doing great. no te preocupes."

on another note, i see myself wanting to improve all aspects of the business here.  not because they need it but because isn't that what you're supposed to do?  always improve.  always work?

the business needs to improve.  is this true?
yes.
can i absolutely know that its true?  no.
how do i feel when i believe this is true, that the business needs to improve?
i start looking for things to do.  i feel scattered.  like im trying to get motivated.  anxiousl   pressure, like jeff is going to get mad at me.  im not doing my job.  i need to work harder.
who would i be without the thought "the business needs to improve?"
i would just do th things i was told to do. focus harder on those and relax more when there's nothing to do.
turn it around.
the business does not need to improve. (or i dont need to improve it)
i need to improve.
the business needs to improve me.
no.  the business does not need to improve...and it is not my responsibility.
three examples:
1-jeff did not say, "i want you to come down here and improve my business."
2-i am not the business owner.
3-the business seems to be supporting itself.  again, its not mine, its not my responsibility.
4-jeff said, we need some help managing.  i never claimed to be good managing a restaurant.  i am good with numbers and quickbooks, thats what i said.

adios dave

so dave.

normally if i guy sends you messages frequently about how much they have a crush on you it should be flattering.  make you get a little smile on your face.  send a sweet something back.  but for the life of me i cannot seem to make this happen.  i can tolerate conversation and moderate closeness as long as things feel friendly and not uber romantic.  once they take a turn in that direction i just cant do it.  i can't respond.  and i cant figure out why.

prob because i feel bad.  i feel bad that i did have a crush on him.  i did wonder about him...who he was, what made him tick, how we would work together. i appreciated him.  was intrigued by him.  i looked at him with crush eyes.  but all the while was just feeling it out.  and i feel bad that it has faded.

i dont think i made any promises at that time.  implied my heart was in a place different than what it was.  but for some reason i feel guilt now about my heart changing.  if i didn't feel guilt i would just tell him i dont feel the same and im not interested in pursuing this further.  but im delaying.  like i did something wrong, or im trying to figure out if i did.  maybe this is just because it was so intense so fast...like real, big, honest conversations all the time.  or maybe its just because he's been so forthcoming about his feelings and stuff that it feels overwhelming.  i dont know.

what i know is if i dont think about the past and times we shared together and a bunch of "shoulds," I'd like to send this message:

hey. i want to respond to your sweet and thoughtful messages with equally sweet and thoughtful ones.  but i just can't seem to do that so i feel bad receiving yours.  i think you are an incredible person, seriously and truly, so wonderful! but something about this thing we have going isn't quite working and i need to let it go at this point.  i still love our story and all the time we have spent together, but i know this is the right thing for me.  im sorry for any disappointment, know that i am quite sad about it as well.  thank you for always treating me with such respect and care and for being so open and honest with me always.  i know that everything that has happened has been good and will continue to be so.  all my best...

shoot.  maybe ill just send that very thing.  we'll see.

Well Im here.  Here!  here?  here.

Adventure number two (give or take 5) this year.  It's an interesting thing landing in a new place far from your home.  Excitement, trepidation, quiet, curiosity, protection, courage.

I landed in Costa Rica today after an excellent flight from Chicago.  Flight was excellent due in part to being upgraded to First Class and thus awarded a full meal and several cocktails and in part to great conversation with a seasoned international traveler who had no sense or energy of needing to feel fear at visiting foreign countries and cultures.

i can write with many details right now but i want to start this blog so....

my flight over was awesome.  no fear from the lady.
seeing the palm trees and feeling my soul get happy even tho i had been sad and kind of neutral emotionally lately.
great and easy seeing jeff, old school hip hop.
restaurant and apartment are nicer than i thought.
overwhelmed a bit at managing all these ppl.
you cant fire people???
carly so awesome! taking me around.
meeting new ppl.
latin dudes sometimes freak me out.  this make me sad because i have just gotten to a place where i love looking at men.  okay lets me honest, i like eye balling and smiling and checking you out...hard.  and feeling good in my skin.  and not being afraid.  i caught my self making eye contact and then looking down because i didnt want to make an invitation.

then i remembered that when i acclimate to a new place i get quiet.  ihad no opportunity to be quiet today.  prob wont tomor.  am going to have to make it.

wheres the yoga and how soon can i go?  im beat.  then again i did have 4 cocktails before 1pm....

A new one!

I met a guy on a plane!  holy cow.

Talked for hours and I didn't want to leave when it was time.  i have seen him again!  This is pretty amazing. 

isn't it?  

i think hes beautiful.  he's got this squinty eyed smile and a salt and peppery beard and lots of hair.  (you have to take a moment to appreciate a man with a full head of hair when he's got one).  and he's kind and thoughtful.   and he has a major crush on me. 

he also has two kids.  from what ive seen of his relationship with them hes a great dad.  but SHIT, two kids?  nearly grown kids.  what the heck am i gonna do with that?

i cant decide if im pulling away from him because he's got two kids and i dont know what to do with that or for some other reason.  i can be so picky.  he texts me too much.  he's too cheesy via text.  he's too excited about me.  he's had a vasectomy.  ha.  

i dont know.  when im with him i just think hes the sweetest thing, and i want to know more.  and im attracted to him and love kissing him and love the way he touches me.  but its like he's got this whole other life that i dont really put myself in because it feels like a huge commitment and i have no idea how. and im moving.  and i dont want to live in omaha.  

i know i just met him and i dont have to commit to such things right now but his major crush on me (and maybe part of mine on him) makes me think of these things.  like, "wait a minute.  WHAT.  are we doing?"

i wish i just wanted to sleep with him and call it a day.  but i dont and i didn't and i haven't.  but i probably will.

or not.

im moody about the whole thing.  and i wish i wasn't.

but i am.  and i keep telling myself that these moods and these emotions are the guiding system of our lives and our intuition.  so if i am moody about it, maybe there's a reason.  thus, im taking it easy in the decision making department.

to end on a positive note, the whole thing is so cool no matter what.  i wrote a facebook post one year ago that said, "wanted:  a tall, bearded man who occasionally wears dark rimmed glasses whose tattoos may or may not show underneath his businessman attire.  seriously,  it's time."  well here he is.  (okay he's not super tall).  but he happens to be nicer and more thoughtful and doesn't make me wonder if he likes me or not.  

taking it for what it is...pretty wonderful.

its true

i just miss you.

-------

when new losses come up, or things change, we are reminded of other things that we have also lost.  we may have already grieved the majority of the previous loss, but its like the new loss is scraping out allll the remnants of the old....to clear another layer.  so.  (purge on..)

as i get further away from my old life and my old company, you are coming up.  i had eight years with that company and now YOU are inextricably tied to it.  so hooray.  changes with the company means i think of you.  and i miss you.

you may talk shit to other people.  act a certain way.  pretend a certain way.  but again, i will refuse to believe that you weren't affected by me.  that i didn't stop you in your tracks a little bit.  that your defenses have to come up hard so you dont love me a little.

and good.  thats good!  you have someone to be loyal to.  and good!  because your disaffection keeps me from reaching out and thus keeps me moving forward with less attachments.  letting go tendril by slow tendril.

im glad.  but im sad.  its so hard to let go of people.  to need to feel disconnected.  i mean, we are all one, right?  so i know we should feel connected, but i dont.  and that's hard.  letting go is hard.

you are still there. in the back corners.  under my skin.  pressing, present.

ive consciously tried to separate.  and yet i come back.  neural patters have yet to be destroyed i see.

i am ready for a replacement.  for the neural fibers to disintegrate.  there was a moment when i thought it was gone.  that you were gone.  that you had morphed.  longer than a moment, even.  i dont know how you came back.

did you come back because i went back? did you come back because someone forced you to come back to me when my defenses were down? you made me angry and hurt and embarrassed again.  all of these things and i still feel like if i cross your mind you just wave it away.

so.  it is.  and its ok.

my friend said, "maybe you are just purging it all."  i like this.  you are in my dreams again every night because i am getting the last bit of you out of my fibers.  im also going to say thats whats happening with my perpetually broken out face.  purge, purge, purge.  i permit, i allow, i welcome.  i welcome the pain, the memories, the disappointment, the confusion.

i just sit with it.  this is all perfect.  this life, the musings, the confusion.  there's no where to get.  no one to be.  no way to perform even.  we just are.  it is.

perfect.

i love you.