Dustin helped me get over Lane. Then Lane helped me get over Dustin. Then He helped me get over Lane and Dustin and Nate and Jay and all of them.

I wonder who will help me get over him. Or if that's even required. It seems so. And maybe that's okay. That there's a natural longing in the heart that will fill itself with something no matter what. Either love or heartache or fantasies or crushes or analyzing the emotion of all of the above. Is there something else I can fill it with besides romantic love or hopes and dreams of that future? Like career accomplishments, travel, other self growth? I will definitely continue trying...

I read back about Dustin last night and this morning. The pain that one can suffer while another does not fascinates me. I often referenced our deep connection... that he must "feel what I feel." Well we now are in a wonderful place in our relationship where we are able to express our love and respect for each other without that strong romantic longing (or lack of).  It is one of the things in my life that I am so awed by and grateful for.  So I guess it validates that connection I always spoke of, and gives me hope that I will one day feel the same validation regarding W.  

And I try to just stop right there.  In a place of faith, trust, honoring myself and my heart. Just knowing that what I feel will happen (he will show up and we will somehow someday have closure/completeness) will happen. 

And why not? It's hard to stay there because the compulsion of my mind is to think, "you are making this up. You attribute way to many things/thoughts/feelings to him that simply aren't true." And why do I do this?  Maybe to protect myself. Because I'm a perfectionist and I want to make sure I'm right. I'm not embarrassing myself, etc.  

To be honest, the former feels like more of a spiritual challenge to do. Even though it also feels better in my heart. So I'll take that and do that and know that I chose my road less traveled. 

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Ps. Nutty Goodness is no longer Nicole's. :)

Furious. Irritated. Calm. In love. Sad.


I want to thank you for doing what you said you'd do. It's been a crazy few months, and I felt it could've gone either way, so I'm grateful.

I saw this and thought of you. And despite the mental voice that said (always says) I was being ridiculous for thinking you might want something I got for you, I want you to have it as I think it belongs on your desk. It's fluorite and is said to aid in decision making, connecting to spirit while maintaining groundedness, and also attracts abundance, success, peace and financial prosperity.  I also think it will remind you of me and whatever it is about me that you need and deserve more of in your life.  However that looks.

You are part of my heart and I cannot and will not explain it. I don't want anything from you at all [now that I have your money ;) ] i just want you to be happy and know that I'm crazy about you.

you.

oh man.  i really meant it when i said that space was good.  i felt it, i meant it.  i didn't want you to come home.

and then.

i realized you were coming home.

and i got excited.  man!  i couldn't fucking help it.  and i couldn't fucking believe it.  that about 4 hours into my monday i couldn't wait to text you.  i debated.  then let my caffeine buzz kick in and sent you my, "HELLO IM SO HAPPY YOURE HOME I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING I MISSED YOU DID YOU HAVE A GREAT TIME DID YOU MISS ME COME HERE NOW!" text. [it didn't say that of course.  the words read what they read - simple and easy and funny - but the energy said exactly what all those capital letters say.]

and i couldn't fucking believe it.  all i thought was, "dude.  im crazy.  how can this be?  i TRULY was happy he was gone.  and now i can't wait to see him.  am i so ready to get back into my addict misery of love and confusion and disappointment?  high and lows and hanging on by a thread?  no way.  but i could not help my delight.  it felt so real.  so true.  so loving. so natural.  and yet, so did my relief with him being far away.  i feel "me" in both senses.

i also couldn't fucking believe today. when i saw him.  well first, that i looked for him so habitually.  that i had to remind myself to focus on the people that were actually sitting in front of me.  that WANT to spend time with me.  that are present and choosing to be present with me.  the relationships that aren't complicated and intense dont cause a raucous.  i glanced at that window at nearly every person that walked by and all the many navy cars that drove by and tried to pretend, even say to myself, that i wasn't.  like i'd glance so quickly that i'd pretend it didn't happen...so if the person across from me would have asked if i was looking for someone i could say, no, i wasn't even looking.  i was saying that to my own inner viewer....no, i wasn't even looking.  that car did not specifically get my attention because it's blue, i just happened to glance.  seriously, no big deal.  i lied to myself for hours today.  and THEN.  right as i was leaving, there he is.  my love.  my crush.  the one who makes no sense. and makes all my senses go crazy.

i think it's no big deal. because i was excited to see him instead of dreading it because he's been ignoring me and i miss him or something.  and i come off completely cool i'm pretty sure.  im charming and real and confident and breezy.  and im not scared to tell him i missed him.  the only thing that gives away what he does to me is that my hands and legs immediately start shaking.  we're talkin uncontrollably.  even with deep breaths and focus on other people.  my whole legs shake.  visibly.  for A LONG TIME.  this has happened 100% of the times i have been in the same room with him.  isn't that wild?  is it because i have so much built up energy around him that when i see him and i try to control it my body just starts twitching? haha. seriously, it blows my mind.

anyway.

i still want more.  i want to hear about your trip.  i want like every detail (okay maybe not every detail...).  i want to know what you thought about, how you felt, how your time with the guys was, what you liked that you saw.  how it felt to not work out.  did you work much?  how does it feel to be home?  how's your shoulder?  are things going to slow down a bit for you now?  are you rejuvenated?  i want you to come to my home and lay in my bed with your head on my chest and let me ask you questions and you just talk.  talk and talk and talk and rest and be.  i just want you to be with me.  and then i'd like you to lose yourself in me and us as we make beautiful, sweet, dirty love.  i just want some time to be with you.

that's all.

i dont know why i feel differently today than i have for the past couple of months.  that i can want these things and the desire doesn't depress me.  doesnt overtake me.  and i dont feel insecure about myself and how you may be thinking and feeling about me.  it must just be in my head.  i feel secure in myself so its easier for me to say and believe what im about to say.  im going to type now without a filter.

come on, nicole, you can do it.

i know you want me.  i know you feel for me what i feel for you - intrigue, passion, draw.  you wish you didn't want it, you pretend you dont want it or that you're just physically attracted to me.  but you are drawn to my heart.  my lightness.  my love for you.  it helps you see yourself.  and it scares the shit out of you.  that you might be worth something.  might be worth loving exactly as you are.  not the you that you show to the world, but the you that is tender, that dreams like i dream of ease and love and connectedness and peace and freedom.  you feel that, and you love that and so you love me.  but i am impossible.  too different.  too unpredictable.  too challenging.  i would make you be someone very different from who you are used to being.  so you run.  you ignore.  and you pour yourself into your work and you pretend those are you priorities and your life IS how you want and THIS is what you choose and you drink and you pretend.  you pretend you aren't thinking about me.  you lie to yourself just like i was lying to myself today when i looked for you every four seconds.  but i am here.  i am not going away.  i will not run from you.  i will be here and i will look YOU in the face and challenge YOU to come out.  not that you have to be with me, or ever even will.  but i will not continue to pretend that i dont see what you are doing.  or that i am crazy and making things all up in my head.  i will show up.  i will look you in the eyes and tenderly encourage YOU to talk to me.  its just too hard for me to watch and experience otherwise.  i pray i am strong enough to continue challenging you with truth and love.

and i cant help but just want one day.  some lingering moments where its just you and me and whatever it is we have together.  no guilt, no shame, no negative repercussions on anyone.  i just want you.

#nofilter

its really hard for me not to add things like, "i know this is crazy but..." and a million other disclaimers or more logical, realistic statements.   but it also feels really good to let that part speak her truth.

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if i could:

Subject: you and me

do you know "__  ________ _______" is one of my favorite things to see?  anywhere.  i dont know why.  i try to pretend it's just another name but i see it...in my email box, on a business card, end of an email, someone else's email, my text message screen... and it just gives me a little jolt.  makes me shake my head and sigh a tiny internal sigh.  the look of that name just does something to me.  i just want it.  i want you.  i want to know you.  i want to listen to you, talk to you, hold you.  hear your thoughts and opinions and dreams.  and share mine with you.  i want you to take them and hold them and support them.  and make me believe they are valued and we can do anything.  i want to be yours.  and i want to have the kind of passion that people only wish they had.  inexplicable.  palpable.  challenging.  fire-feeding.  comforting and consuming at the same time.  again, i dont know why.  i just do.  and i wanted you to know.  in case you dont already.


can't because:

"you can't send things like that.  people in movies send things like that.  and they are the babysitter who is delusional or the young woman who he really loves more but will never leave his family for.  and someone always finds it and shame shame shame on the girl who wrote that.  she is disrespectful or a home-wrecker or needy or just dreaming.  plus, every time you reach out to him lately he is nowhere to be found.  thus you will be spun into a dark hole of embarrassment after you send that and he does not feel the same way and therefore thinks you're crazy."

but:

i am not those things.  those things that i wrote are of my heart and soul.  they are true and beautiful and meant with only love.  and if he doesn't feel the same way then it doesn't really matter.

So:

maybe one day.

The Next Six Months

i want to say im writing a book.  i want to say it to speak it into existence.  but i dont want saying it to disrespect people who are real writers. i mean, i may not really write a book.  i just want to say i will because for some reason it gives me a sense of purpose.  a, "hey, why the fuck not?" mentality.  i like that mentality.

in actuality if i were really going to write a book i would probably have to have some [more] discipline and write like two three hours a day, give myself a deadline, etc.  i dont really plan to do all that.  and i kind of hate writing.  im not a horrible writer...like with papers, speeches, etc...but i hate starting.  and organizing.  but i'm going to pretend im good at that part when i say to myself and this blog and my friends that i might write a book.

so im going to write a book.  and it's going to be called "the next six months."  and it will be about transition and paradox and what it's like to live in this mind and what it's like to live out of this mind and what it's like to feel crazy and perfect and amazing at the same time.  to feel unworthy one minute and extremely capable the next.  to open up to the universe and see what it has for me.  this really does feel like an extremely important time in my life...and maybe one people wouldnt think to write about until after the fact.  so, on the urging of my friend's very new and wonderful husband, i am going to write a book and it's going to be called "The next six months."  who knows.

it's funny.  i think about angela and how she's a writer and she's working on her book right now.  and i feel a bit silly/copycatish saying im going to write a book.  but i dont think i am.  im just using it as an excuse to write more probably.  it's good for me.

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my emotions seemed to have calmed down.  i want to attribute this to some things but i also feel more and more like i dont really understand the complexity of the mind, the subconscious, human interactions, emotions, spiritual contracts, etc. so i dont really even know if attribution is necessary.  but in very simple understanding i might say this has to do with coming to agreement with the folks who are buying my business, spending five days with college friends who love and accept me in all my glory, and one of my certain spiritual contracts being out of the country.

i like space from him.  i really cant wait to be done with him.  im tired of feeling the pull on my heart and the tendency toward madness. the blur of confusion surrounding my desire to be love and the desire to protect myself and be wise with my energy.  i want to be done with nutty and done with him.  i say this with calm, mind you.  a few weeks ago i would have said it with sadness and desperation...and fear that he may not even be the reason i was feeling so off balance.  now that he has been gone and the nutty deal is almost closed and i feel the space and i feel what it has done for me and how my energy shifts (unpleasantly) when i realize he is coming back tonight, i know it will be good when it is over.  and that there is hope that i will return to homeostasis.  i just have to make it through the next six months.

and i will.  i am strong.  i know what i need.  i take care of myself.  the universe is opening for me.  i have been invited to play in the realm of my highest earthly potential and i have accepted the invitation.  i am ready to create new beliefs that fully support me and perhaps completely redefine me.  maybe it took the difficulty of these last three months (years) to get me to this place.  i will choose to believe that in order to believe that the universe is benevolent and release all anger and unforgiveness.

-----------

i miss you.

i feel centered and good and inspired.  lighter.  connected to myself and wanting to stand on my own two feet and share me.  i was surprised when i sat today feeling how i was feeling and then i wanted to share...with you.  and i could feel you so clearly in my mind and heart that you would be happy that i was happy.  that this me is the one that is so easy for you to love.  there is beauty in that becuase, well, this is my best me i think.  my favorite me.  and i'd love you to love her...to want me to be that person.  on the flip side, i am not always her.  and you abandoned me when i was not.  for whatever reasons you did so, you still left.  and i needed you.  or wanted you.  to not have you was so painful.  i tell myself it was crucial for my development.  must've been somehow.

i'm not sure what my lessons are here.

embrace all of your emotions.
practice strengthening all of your self-healing tools.
trust yourself and your heart.
always speak your truth. especially to yourself.
love even when it's not reciprocated.
practice protecting yourself even when your strongest desire is to pour out your heart.
business is business.
embrace your own gifts and let others have theirs.
have empathy for those who have been in similar situations to yours.
observe the mind and train it to do what works for you.
take a breath and just do the next right thing.
stand up for what you want despite the opinions of others, including the hater inside.
dont fall in love with someone who is unavailable just because you are lonely.
your gut may tell you something, and you can go against it and it may work out, but it wont be fun.
give your energy to people who support and love you truly.

-------------------

i had a thought this morning.  it wasn't the first time:  he will come back.  we will have reconciliation of some sort - a connection, an agreement/understanding, something.  he has to.  i just need to be patient.  it will come.

this reconciliation would validate me, see.  i guess.  but what would come of it?  we still wont be together.  we're not even meant to be together.  i just want to know that he has had some feelings about this whole thing.  that he has missed me.  that it has been challenging.  that would validate me and make me feel less weak.  like it was a MUTUAL challenge.  like a big energetic soul deal and that's why i went so bonkers.  if he doesn't validate me it just embarrasses me for some reason because i couldn't get it together.

i guess i should come to terms with that.  love myself anyway.  forgive myself for falling in love with someone who was only interested in me for 10 minutes.  yikes. wish me luck with that, she said in a sarcastic tone.