its true

i just miss you.

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when new losses come up, or things change, we are reminded of other things that we have also lost.  we may have already grieved the majority of the previous loss, but its like the new loss is scraping out allll the remnants of the old....to clear another layer.  so.  (purge on..)

as i get further away from my old life and my old company, you are coming up.  i had eight years with that company and now YOU are inextricably tied to it.  so hooray.  changes with the company means i think of you.  and i miss you.

you may talk shit to other people.  act a certain way.  pretend a certain way.  but again, i will refuse to believe that you weren't affected by me.  that i didn't stop you in your tracks a little bit.  that your defenses have to come up hard so you dont love me a little.

and good.  thats good!  you have someone to be loyal to.  and good!  because your disaffection keeps me from reaching out and thus keeps me moving forward with less attachments.  letting go tendril by slow tendril.

im glad.  but im sad.  its so hard to let go of people.  to need to feel disconnected.  i mean, we are all one, right?  so i know we should feel connected, but i dont.  and that's hard.  letting go is hard.