Farewell, one

So nice when i write.  because i change so much.  and i feel so much.

i used to get annoyed with myself because i only write when im emotional.  but damn. its good to see my emotion.  see it evolve.  feel it evolve.  and feel the memories just by the words.

i cant believe i didn't write about seeing the one.  oh, how i love him.  i can see him walking around the office.  his body moving.  i just stared at him.  appreciated him.  my eyes drank him in like an aficionado would drink in the work of their hero.  i listened. i asked.  i spoke.  he listened.  the room was thick thick thick with love and passion and confusion and magic and pretending and reality knocking up against dreams.  mmm.

then the other walked in.  broke it up.  he needed to i suppose.  wish he hadn't, but knew he would.

the weirdest thing, those contrasting feelings.  because the other has been so good.  we'd had the best night (and morning).  and i really care about him.  he sees me and he really cares about me.  but the one.  (head shakes). you know how i feel about him.  and it surprised me how i felt standing there between the two of them.  that i had to have an internal battle about how i would treat my one in front of the other.  if the other knew my struggle, and what was actually going on in my brain when he walked in, he would no longer be speaking to me, im sure of it.

desires and shortcomings aside, it was farewell.  im claiming it.  and i am away and when i am away it is far, far easier.  and im about to go even further away so i pray it will get even easier.  i dont want to go back.  to the longing.  to scraping up crumbs.  he is not mine.  i will miss him, but i dont even really know him, and my soul will find another and i will forget him.  this will be but a blip.

but hopefully i will not forget what it seems the universe was so gracious enough to slap in my face: here are these two men.  two wonderful feelings you have for both of them.  the one feels warm and good and easy and like it could be enough for you.
it. is. not.
the other is too big, too rich, too beautiful, too deep and connected.  if you had never felt this, then the first just might be enough.  but you have. so it is not.

so you will wait. and keep being, and loving, and experiencing.
until you find the other.  the big, the deep, the rich, the beautiful, the deep and connected.
and he will be available and he will love you with the same love.
and you both will continue.  to be, to love, to experience.  together.