i dont trust me today

Im tired so i will not write much.

I smell like him.  the other one.  and it smells great.  and he smells great and he makes me happy and i love talking with him and snuggling with him and i actually really like being naked with him.  he treats me well, interests me and is interested in me.

i cant say hes my one.

and yesterday that was fine and today it wasn't.

and not even because i was thinking of the one.  ive actually felt quite over him.  like, what have you done for me lately/ever?  this guy is really trying and yet also really easy and what the FUCK have YOU done for me lately?? NOTHING.

so that's been really nice.

i told wern yesterday that i was really just happy.  and present and not worried....and i didn't want to worry about how things were going to pan out.  sean had told me to take care of myself, see him every day or not at all, and he was good with whatever i needed.  and that was great!  it made me invite his ass over for a sleepless, naked night.  but today i got weird.  i started to worry i guess. thought about stupid w.  why do i worry and WHY would i think about him? i worry about sean, his heart, my heart, if im doing something wrong, if we are building a relationship that is going to be harder to break.  and i worry about sex.  that i wont be in the mood, that it wont be good.  that we need to be careful because the sex is getting more personal and connected.

i hate that i get weird like this.

but then i can't decide if im supposed to get weird because maybe it needs to end or if im really just bad at being intimate with men.  either way i wish i didn't feel so wishy washy.

he was so sweet though tonight, letting me send him home and all.  he made my weirdness as painless as it could be i suppose.

again, i'll just go to sleep and pray everything will work itself out in the morning (in my head and real life).  ...and that he will say something great to calm me again tomorrow....and that i dont see the one at all this week.