drugs and love

I think about you a lot.  different things.
i wonder.
i laugh.
i wish.
i shame.
i try to change the subject in my mind.

i wonder what it's like to be you.  i want to know what you want to do with your life.  with your money.  with your time and energy.  what's most important to you in life?  why are you striving so?  are you just having fun with all your projects and businesses and dabbling?  or do you feel compelled by some inexplicable or inextricable anxiety?  do your parents expect a lot of you or do you?  do you like your life? what makes you insecure? what do you love about your woman? are you happy?  is she happy?
if you could do anything with  your life what would you do? [that's the second time i typed that.  i wonder if i wonder that bc i want you to say something that i would like.  like that you are unhappy with your life and you are looking for a change.]
do you give away any money? [i just wondered that now for the first time and it was judgmental more than loving]
i want to know what it's like to go home with you.  home, home.  spending time on the couch with you. would you irritate me?  are you selfish?  how do you spend your downtime?  do you drink a lot?  do you like to talk about your day?  would you ask about mine?  would you confide in me, laugh with me, take comfort in me.  would you have any love and attention left for me at the end of the day?  what makes you laugh?  what stories do you tell?  do you like alone time? are you excited to see me?

i realize that these are strange things for me to wonder....but i really do want to know.  yesterday i was sad because i wanted more time.  i wanted to say, "wait!  dont go.  stay here and tell me everything. i dont care what, just, everything.  i want to know you.  you fascinate me."  i wonder if the reason i wonder all these things so hard is because the likelihood that i will actually get my answers is very slim.  

when you have a crush on someone you can usually make up all sorts of stories in your mind about what they might be like.  that's why they are so powerful, crushes.  because in your mind your crush can be one that makes all your dreams come true.  i realize this.  that infatuation and crushes are mostly made up of projected hopes and dreams.

so i wonder all these things about you, and i really do want to know.  you fascinate me with your differentness that is so close and intimate with me right now.  but also i want to know them because likely i wont like what i find out, or i'll see how it doesn't fit me and my crush will fade into nothingness.  this crush that keeps me awake at night and gets me out of bed in the morning.

sometimes i feel like an addict.  you are my drug.  im saying, "ive got control of this. i only use recreationally.  i know people say that withdrawal symptoms can be pretty bad, but i dont think i use enough to have problems.  like one hit a day to keep me light on my feet.  i swear, im not addicted.  i could quit if wanted to."

i haven't wanted to yet.
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im grateful i didn't hear from you all weekend.  id be lying if i didn't hope to see your name when i checked my phone various times a day.  which is why im grateful.  can't be havin that shit.
it was great to hope to see your name every other day this week, or not even be thinking about, and then see your name.  to hope and see.  fuels the addiction.  hope and not see? withdrawal symptoms commence. better to start them now with you only having been in my veins a week.  any longer and i might be in the clinic.
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i like to tell stories.  i told my therapist this and she said we should maybe look at this next time.  my quote was, "i dont know, maybe i dont want to give it up because im just bored.  i like having stories to tell." [referring to the drama of being intensely attracted to someone you will never have/"shouldn't" want/wont work out]
i like the adrenaline. i like excitement.  i like entertaining people with my stories.  but it's kind of like telling people all day about this amazing pizza maker youre going to get and you finally found the perfect one and how it does all these things automatically and WOW it's just incredible can you believe it??? and then you go home at night and your pizza maker is still in catalog form and costs more than you could [probably] ever afford.  and it's maybe a little depressing.  is it worth the excitement you felt telling that story to your friends?  you really convinced yourself that you might own this pizza maker, and you were so happy for a little while even just dreaming about it. [Plus, you had something to talk about with people...maybe you and your therapist should look at that btw: "I need to have stories to tell people/be interesting,..is that true?] but then you go home.  and reality is...you will likely never get the pizza maker.  why do that?  is life really that boring? am i really that bored? and is it worth it, the "comedown"?

flip side:  if i was that bored, would that be so bad?  what if i am?!  yeah im bored and i make up shit to get excited about and then get sad when it doesn't work out, who cares?  the idea of just being neutral all the time does not always sound appealing to me.  sounds BORING.  i dont like to think of myself as a drama queen.  but.... i guess i am.

might as well embrace it.
i am a drama queen addict. i want things i cant have.
ok then.
i love myself anyway.
and everything is perfect.