W

I had a hard time today.

Talked with Dustin for an hour last night.
Then went to bed thinking about lane.
Dreamt about mike Robinette choosing to make out with me with his girlfriend in the other room.
Woke up to a Facebook message from Justin Krueger, saying he was ready for a goodbye kiss because he was finally ready to let me go. (Whaaat?)
Jay came in town and I agreed happily to go to lunch with him. Promptly canceled.
Got a call from (married) Walker and pretended I wasn't dying to see him.

All these men. Chose other women (or substances) over me.  Choose other women over me. Why do I waste any energy on them at all?
Angela probably tried to be encouraging to me about it today. I'm all "what's the harm, I don't want to be with any of them." She's all, "I've never seen anyone talk about or think about the past as much as you do. And all of these guys choose to give their commitments to other women yet still want a piece of you. And you give it to them." I kept hearing her say, "YOU NEED TO BE BETTER, STRONGER, CUT EVERYONE OUT WHO DOESNT LOVE YOU. STOP TELLING STORIES ABOUT ALL THESE STUPID GUYS."
It's hard okay?
A human can only be so strong. Can only take so much rejection before even just a little attention feels necessary and soothing to the heart.
I see the work that could be done here but sometimes it feels like too much.  Sometimes I just want to enjoy what it feels like to be attracted to someone on so many levels.  It feels GOOD. he's fucking married but it feels good. If I knew, really KNEW, that by not indulging in these feelings and by cutting out anyone who wasn't a potential life mate then I would actually meet my life mate, I would fucking do it. But I don't know. I'm human and I'm lonely and I love the tension/interaction.

On the other hand, I did previously write that I was tired of always giving to all these dudes and I was ready for someone to give to me.  And that is true. I am. And walker is not going to leave his wife and likely has a lot of issues just like everyone else and I'm left with wasted energy. He has a wife to go home to when he's done with me. Nate has his next girl. Lane has Genevieve. Dustin has booze. Jay has his girlfriend. And I just go home to me.

When will that hurt be big enough to make me have to believe enough in something better that I stop indulging at all?

Could be a life hanging thought that starts to break the pattern. Could be extreme. I don't fucking know.