the blues

A kickball win and 3 mini shots of fireball deep.
Sitting in the jicc parking lot, 98% of players gone.
My car's music singing to my soul.

I want to text lane. Say, "hey baby, are you done with work stuff?" This boy who makes me feel safe, loved, easy, comfortable. Then I get this thought, perhaps anxiety driven, but nonetheless: "remember Dustin?"
And depending on the day or moment I may cry. 
I can't decide what to do with that thought.

Bc I feel more or less content with my reinstated crush on lane. No pressure, no deciding about where it's going, just rollin. And it's so good! Real. Beautiful. Honest love.

But if I write from my emotion I'd say.... It's not the same love. It's just fucking not! The love that tears me up. That made me think of nothing else. That is chemical. Deep. Soul level.

BUT HE DIDN'T FUCKING WORK. DUSTIN DIDNT FUCKING WORK. so who gives a shit what his "love" looked like? I'm trying to make a lesson out of it. Like, "okay, just because you feel that way inside doesn't mean it is a lasting relationship. ...or anything worth anything at all. I dont know what else I'm missing. I just know sometimes I feel very stable and content and wise and logical and Dustin is not a part of that. Then there are these sudden moments where my heart (and eyes) just cry. I try more often than not to say to myself that I'm just wishing for something that I don't actually need or for something that I am disillusioned about. But today I feel like affirming the openness in my heart. The openness being an acknowledgement that Dustin was something special and it's valid that I should still be missing him and wanting something to fill that void.
I can see and believe in both sides.

-You are completely enough and do and will never need another person to complete you.
-You have a part of you that is searching for that magical love. That part is valid and you will find it.

I'm 50/50 exactly.

Maybe even 70/30 leaning toward being alone.