i wonder if there will be a day when i dont believe we were connected on a deep spiritual level.

you cross my mind unexpectedly and with a feeling similar to one that comes when i think about friends i have had for years.  since we haven't known each other nearly that long it's very hard to explain why i would feel that way and therefore Mind quickly tells me that i shouldn't feel that way.  that something is awry in my brain to make me think our connection would be that deep.  but today, instead of judging the feeling and believing Mind, i think i'll just wonder.  wonder if and when it will stop feeling that way.  and wonder if you feel it, too.

if i weren't afraid of being wrong i'd say with confidence i know you do.  i know you feel me.  you miss me.  you think about me regularly.  you just push it down with denial better than i do.

i think it's interesting that you have gradually over the past two weeks spent more time with me at the market.  you asked for the first time since our coffee shop meeting how I am doing.  and you listened.  you were with me for the first time in five meetings.  can't help but think it's because i am finally allowing the fibers that are wound with your soul to loosen and release some.  this reinforces the idea that you know.  you know how i feel.  you know my heart.  so even when i was not communicating with you, i was just suffering on my own, you knew it.  and it was too much pressure for you and you did not feel safe to be around me, to be present with me.  i dont blame you.  but now that i'm letting go, you feel safer.  because i feel more stable to you.

people thinking in earthly, less mystical terms would probably just attribute this to boys wanting what they can't have.  but i know better.  and i will stand by that now, even though it seems silly and scary and "out there" to do so. 

i like nate.  he makes me happy and i definitely have a crush on him.  and that feels good.  and when you and i spoke last saturday i did not feel anxious like i usually do with you.  combination of letting go, liking someone new, and you actually being there with me.  so i felt good, not needy, not missing you more than usual or anything.

then the texting:

me: "i didn't say thank you for breakfast.  but i thought it. big."
you: "your eyes and your smile said it for you, deary. ;)"

me: a sigh as i drop to sit on my cooler, cover my face as my heart squeezes. unexpectedly and suddenly my eyes well up.  i have not stopped loving you.  chris, a cute market frequenter shows up just in time to switch gears in my heart and mind.  i am grateful for this.