goodbye for real?

i broke up with dustin again via text message yesterday.  i dont know why.  i was not feeling overly emotional or anything.  i think i just realized it was silly for me to keep putting myself in a position that perpetually kept disppointing me.  i always want more and i dont get it.

so i said some nice things, honest things about how he got to such a sweet place in my heart that it was hard for me to keep pretending its not painful when i see him and that i dont always leave our two minute conversations feeling unsatisified.  so i asked him to not bring breakfast anymore. and told him i was going to pretend he left because i was ready for him to go because i needed it.  and to know i was sending him good things always.

him: "i am humbled and flattered.  and i of course will respect your wishes, nicole.  you are a beautiful woman and will always hold a spot in my heart."

me: sigh. clearly he is fine with letting it go. ugh. ok im ready too. fine. embarassed slightly but fine.

then a minute later, him: "and the rest i don't know how to articulate..."

me: "well try you fucking dot dot dotter. make it easier on me or something. ha"

him: "i think about you too. and i understand really i do, but your terms is what im ...ing.  it seems the rules are what got us here in the first place.  that sounds harsh to say but its not meant to.  I dont quite know what i mean to say."

me: "can you call me to figure it out?"

him:"i dont have the words for you, nic.  i'll think about it and if you want tomorrow we can have a little chatski. i'll see how this comes out of my head."
(*chatski?  this is not a fucking joke to me.  no you dont think about me the way i think about you.  you just dont. there have been too many times where you did not call.  did not sit with me long enough.  dont fucking say you think about me too.  it is not the same. cuz you would also call me in this moment instead of texting. dont get mad at my rules cuz your heart is fine.  mine is bigger and hurts more. )

me: "ok...and some other blah blah...thanks for responding"

me today:  he has not made the effort to communicate therefore this is not important to him.  i am fine with this.  why would he argue with me?  i need space.  i have fucking needed space since the beginning.  for some reason he just gets to me, i dont care if it's right or wrong or justified it just fucking happens.  i dont need him in my life.  this texting bullshit made me feel like our connection was not all i thought it was.  it could be what ive said before - that it WAS all i thought it was but that he couldn't handle it.  or, shit, maybe i was just ripe for romance, ripe for a confident man to come in and not need anything from me but still tell me i was amazing, and therefore i thought we had a great connection.  fuck the connection.  im so over this.

seriously, goodbye for real.  i dont think im gonna daydream about him with smiles on my face anymore.  i used to enjoy it and permit it, now im tired of idolizing weak ass him and our so called connection. 

ive got better shit to do.