damn. was so ready to write but lane called. and i like talking to him bc i care about him. but now im tired and dont want to write. i still feel bad cutting him off so i can go to sleep.

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went to church today for first time in a long time. it was really great. people so happy to see me, faces lighting up even. i cried the whole first half. not becuase i felt guilty or ashamed, just like, "shit, maybe what i was doing WAS wrong. and i fucked up. putting my hope in living in the present moment as opposed to putting my faith solely in jesus is why im feeling so messed up right now. feeling alive, and invigorated and in love is not the answer. it is not the way. it does not mean you are on the right path or something. it's not like wrong to do, but being in that place doesn't mean you are doing the right thing. that you wont get hurt...that part is obvious by now. if that's true then yes, i definitely fucked up. and was doing the wrooong thing. me+dustin. WRONG. man. whole time i was thinking that nothing ever felt so right in my life. now i know. or am at least considering it.

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i wanted to call my mom after church and ask her what she thought. this whole transition into casual dating came after a conference that shifted me into slightly different spiritual thinking as well. so i wanted her to help me sort out the confusion about whether this is just what a break up feels like, or if the conference led me a wrong direction that was bound to end in heartache and painful decisions, etc. and it's God's call to get me back to the right way of thinking. but my dad called instead. mom left for a week long trip today apparently. sometimes he calls when my mom is out of town and he's lonely (or obligated) and i love it. cuz i usually talk to my mom. and now i get to ask my dad his opinion on my thoughts, albeit less comfortably and with a little less detail because i dont know if he will want to get as deep as i want to get. and his opinion and perpective is almost definitely presented in a different way than my mother's would be, but it is consistently helpful. conversations with my dad at times like these make me believe that there is a god who loves me and is involved in the intricacies of my life to the extent that when i need my dad's advice instead of my mom's, he makes that happen without me knowing anything about his underworkings. i love that.

anyway, my dad reminds me that what im going through is very much a part of life, the spiritual stuff and all, we're constantly growing and learning and that maybe i need to remember that when dustin and i first got together i was still trying to get over lane. so maybe he is just what i needed to do that. that was a good reminder for me today. dustin helped assure me and moved me on from a relationship that i no longer wanted to be in. he perked up my heart in the ways i only hoped were possible. essentially confirmed that my decision to end things with lane was the right thing to do. good ol' wise, logical, wonderful, loving dad. coming through to save the day.

so i will go to sleep feeling ok.

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hey! my 60th yoga class in 58 days was today! i was so proud and happy and grateful.

afterward i did pray that the lord would allow me to send love and forgiveness to dustin without feeling so heartbroken. to tap into the love source to send good vibes without the risk of remembering what i actually loved about being together and thus feeling vulnerable and sad. and to be able to move on without having to use the technique where i imagine spitting on him telling him i hate him.

so i said this as a cool shower calmed my sweaty body and mind, "i bless you completely. i bless your relationships. your family. your next girlfriend. okay maybe that's too soon. your work. your finances. your mind. your entire body. your health. your spirituality. your relationship with god. may you come to know god. may you love yourself."

i meant it all so i'd say that's a pretty good start. thank u lord.