i wonder if i feel sad sometimes because i used to have a general loneliness in me that i had gotten comfortable with before i met d, and now i have a person to put it on. that and he affirmed and awakened the idea that being crazy chemically attracted to and interested in someone is a fantastic feeling. it had been so long since i'd felt that way that it sort of became this idea in my head that might exist, instead of an actual remembrance of a feeling. if you haven't had rich, dense chocolate cake since you were a kid you forget how good it really tastes so you don't miss it. like, from your soul. you taste it again after all those years and you wonder how you're going to go 10 more years without it again. you wish you hadn't tasted it again at all.
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you smoke, that's gross. you think you're great, perfect, enlightened. i think you are selfish and manipulative. do you even really love people? or do you just use them to get what you want? im pretty sure you admitted that to me. is that who you are as a person or do you just do that occasionally? are you okay with being that person or do you feel like you need to change some of that?
you harshly judge people you dont even know and act like you are carefree about life and relationships. no one is judgemental of others, especially strangers if you dont have some anger deep inside that you are misplacing. and no one judges strangers and doesn't judge the close people in their lives. you pretend you dont, but really you are just quieter about it. maybe dont even admit it to yourself. you judge the strangers so you can be vocal about at least some of the judgements you are making.

i want to be loved by someone who is a lover in general. loves people. loves himself. you cannot love me the way i want to be loved if you're not a lover. i dont want to feel the judgement. i may be strong and love myself, but im also tender hearted. and you will hurt me.

so go away. fill someone else's mind. i'd like to put my loneliness on someone else.
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i dont feel good saying these things about you. cuz my heart is a lover. i want to forgive, to accept, to love. and let go. but today im a little sad, so i'm trying a more logical technique. telling myself why i dont want to be with someone like you anyway.

you drink too much. your family is nuts. pretty sure you talk about women with your friends in that nasty objectifying way that i hate. and you left me at my house when i was feeling small and vulnerable. you are not good enough for me. you are not good enough for me. you are not good enough for me.

this teqnique does not work like i want it to. strangely the loving technique is more powerful i think. i think this shit just takes time and im impatient.

i decided yesterday that i think it would be great if i never saw you again. i think i mean that.