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i have no idea what im thinking doing feeling.
three days ago i kissed him goodbye and told him i loved him with my mind and was not ashamed.
the next day he nearly begged to see me in the evening, then got drunk with his buddies and disappeared textually.
the next day he calls twice, but not to apologize for disappearing but for advice on what he should do with his future. i casually mention my disapp0intment and the end of our conversation, he apologizes out of obligation.
next day he again asks to see me. im tired and in a mood. but yes i want to see him. he comes over, i cook dinner, im embarassed and feeling sort of insecure for some reason. probably cuz he's hurt my feelings. we eat, we chat, he brings up the one topic i dont really like talking about and proceeds to hit a nerve inside that topic. i get defensive. slightly. more than that i just stop talking and dont really know what im feeling. to analyze i go outside for a minute or two. i come back in, tell him im sorry, im fine. he tells me how weird it was. it was not that fucking weird.
but he uses it as an excuse to leave me alone at my house after i apologized, told him i was just tired, worn out from yoga whatever. he left. told me my reaction was unexpected, he thought we were just talking, now he feels off.
fuck that, you were off before you came over.
dont blame me because my insecurities and vulnerabilities can come out whether you say something weird or not. i can sense it. i can sense your motives. im not overreacting. YOU are blaming. fuck you. you're insecure, dont know what you are doing with your future so you asking ME what i'm going to do. dont know what you're doing with your feelings so you're trying to get mine all worked up. tell me you like everything about me, that you think im beautiful, that you dont know why im upset. that you are here, for me to do whatever i need. in other words, try to make me feel like im nuts. i think you are full of shit.

here's the dilemma. you could be full of shit. or i actually could be nuts.
i could be reacting because im super scared of being vulnerable. OR i could be reacting because you are not safe to be vulnerable with.
all has been well up to this point. i have missed you. wanted to see you. loved your text messages, touches, calles, everything. went with the flow, followed my instincts.
but today, for the second day in a row, i dont want to talk to you. my back is tense and i want to spit on and run away from you.
so i've either projected a completely different person on you than you really are, or something has shifted and little girl is in danger zone.

i want to see what happens....