settling

sometimes it feels nice to just think of him, to stare at things that remind me of him, and to just shamelessly, utterly, and simply love them.  To think, "he's just the love of my life."

no excuses.  no explaining.  just accepting.
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i wanted the other in my bed tonight.  i missed him.

then, i thought, that's crazy.  you're just lonely. you miss your one, can't have your one and so you'll settle for the other.

that's probably true.

the thing is, i actually felt like i missed him.  and maybe i do a little.  but maybe we humans are just amazing balls of coping and adapting and searching and finding and readjusting.  and settling.

Hey

It was good to see you today.

it's always good though, really, even when it's not.

just a quick note to be clear with my words in case you cant read between the lines of all other forms of expression:

if things dont work out with your current situation, if something inside of you is screaming for something different.  and if that something different also feels true and deep and real, know that i am here hoping you will choose it.

im not saying i will always be here.  i wont wait around as some sort of back up plan.  but i am here right now. and i wanted you to know that you have been in my heart since the day i met you and im not sure why.

so i am sending this note.  but if that something isn't screaming, then all will be well with both of us and this is just a passing, interesting heart experience. and that is more than okay, too.

dont make me wait long for a response, even if it is a response that says you will think about it.  or you wont.

n

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fascinating.

i now see why i love the good wife.  "the romance is one thing but life and a plan is another."

dreaming about him and us and feeling our "love" versus actually writing it out in an email is a completely different matter.  putting your money where you mouth is.

and i was like, um, im not ready to spend that money.  not even close. but how ballsy would it be if i was??

ha.

so much

has happened.

to say.

to wonder.

to let go.

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i will write.  i will write.  i will write.

i have wanted to write all day.  to figure things out probably.  my mind is all over the place.  not in an anxious way per se.  but all over the place nonetheless.

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time with sean was really nice.  i appreciated him so much.  its amazing how different people can bring out different things in you.  i didn't feel i was being anything less than fully me, fully present, fully alive.  yet seeing how someone else can bring out/emphasize something different in me just 36 hours later shows how complex and beautiful we humans are.

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i am on the right track. i am.

i am moving forward.  i swear!
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am i trying to hold on?  WHAT part of me is trying to hold on?  i let it go!  i deleted the emails!  i slept with someone else! i gave my trust to the universe, to god, to life, to bring me more!  i believe it no longer servers me to hold on to the past!

but.

i let go and he comes to me.  subtly of course.  not begging.  hes not back. [what do i expect honestly? if you are really letting it go, dont hang out where he may be, how bout that?  but i like it there!  i dont go there to see him, i go there because i just dont have any desire to go anywhere else.  i swear its not about him!]

so we cross paths today.  after ive talked about sleeping with someone else who made me feel amazing - comfortable, light, fun, sexy, content.  SO genuinely and fully i felt and talked about these things. and i am open to the NEW, the future.  for the first time, not looking back.  but he walks in.  and i remember immediately.  no, i know immediately.  this is not even remembering.  

whoa.  That is a different story.  A MAN.  Whoa. 

and i hang up the phone call i just began and i talk to him.  and he's here.  he's present.  oh, sweet sweetness.  The one I love.  This presence that stole my heart so effortlessly.  when im in that presence, my time with sean feels surreal and frivolous and cheap.  though at the time i felt nothing of the sort!  but in the presence of my one, i feel i have settled.

but i havent!  i mean, how could that be?  sean is single, present, enamored, honest.  This one is here and gone and not mine.  

i cannot describe the contrasting, shifting feelings and the surprise that went with them.

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he said he would love to flip houses for a living.  doing the work himself, having less stress in his life.  my soul saw and felt our life together.  it was so natural to go there.

and then she sighed as she realized, nope.  not this time.  another lifetime, another place.

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bright side: my emotional body now very clearly knows the difference between appreciating/enjoying a person and being in love.

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when you fall in love with a person, like the way i am with him, where it doesn't make sense to the majority of my being, does it ever go away?

which brings me to another line of thinking: STOP.  stop stop stop.  When, Nicole, will you draw the line?  Stop hoping? I know you've let go of hoping for the past, for things to be romantic again.  Maybe now it's time to stop hoping that you can even be friends?  maybe you need to cut him out entirely.  just know that you are in love with him and it will not go away and therefore you must be strong and avoid avoid avoid.   

that makes me sad.

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he uses my energy.  he doesn't fill me up. go away from him.  stand your ground.  boundaries.

every time i go out of town and am away from him i feel better.  more satisfied.  grateful.  [so that's great and all but how do you explain what happened today?  i mean, it makes sense that if i am grateful and happy and not seeing any problems with my life then i should just keep doing the thing that makes me feel that way.  and im all for that.  but then.  when i see him and i just fucking love him.  and feel like ohhhh thaaaat.  thaaat's what this is supposed to feel like.  that feeling makes it hard to think its right to just run away and live as if that feeling doesn't exist.  like im settling.  you know?  but maybe its just a trap.  a test.  an experience.

choose wisely.

____

i fantasized about having one magical night with him before i leave the country and we aren't careful and i get pregnant.  and i was HAPPY thinking about it.  even if we weren't together.  just having his baby made me happy in my fantasy.  like it justified our connection maybe.  i wasn't afraid of repercussions.  i wouldve been happy if it happened.

what makes that worse is that sean and i weren't exactly careful this weekend.  and ive already taken a shitload of vitamin c just in case.  i dont want to have his baby.  but this other one.  the married one.  who disappoints me over and over and over again.  i would.

so fucking weird.

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so should i stop going to bull street? really say goodbye? i guess maybe.

whats meant to be will be.

ill try to continue focusing on the new and fresh and my one who will make me feel like sean did AND how he does.

WHAT are you saying universe?
----

I will say it was nice today.  all this drama im writing about, yes its there a little.  but not like it was.  and i do just love him.  and appreciate him.  and like shannon said today, "just enjoy that hug."

what great perspective.  enjoy what you had with him.  be grateful.  and carry on.

also

just had another thought after reading an older post talking about how i missed him.

what do i miss?  what HIM do i miss?  i don't even know.  i dont even like the him that talks about sex and women and judges people and their lip hair.

etc.

what do i even like?  i instinctively want to change all of those things about him.  i feel they are fueled from insecurity so he just needs to work on that and quit being such an asshole.  but thats HIM.  when you love someone you love all of them, right?  you don't see their insecurities and want to change them.

shouldn't that be enough to make any desire and longing go away?

it'll always be him. (until its not him.)

he walked in today and i wasn't expecting him at all.  i wonder what my face looked like.

ended my phone call.  chatted.  was awkward.  thought, holy cow, we haven't been alone together in the evening for months.  is my dream really about to come true?

his body language didn't necessarily give me hope, not for this particular night at least, but with this occurrence of us randomly and unexpectedly being alone together did come a whisper from the universe reminding me that all all all things are possible.  keep dreaming, nicole.  about all things, i mean.

yes, yes, i realize this is a terribly irrational thing to dream about coming true.  hasn't the whole thing been irrational? um yes.  because i am through the throes, i can say it has been fun for me on one level to do and crave (over and over again) something that is bad for me, doesn't make sense, and will likely hurt me....and not give a fuck.  i almost always give a fuck.

again, irrational.

he's awkward.  we're awkward.  it reminded me of the days when we had first met and i would ask incessant questions to keep him from leaving.  i just wanted more.  tell me more!  keep talking.  please?  i wanted to do that today.  but it's almost like there has been too much. too much disappointment, confusion, desire, anger.  too much has happened, even though nothing more really happened, and i/we can't go back to just innocently asking questions and pretending its just friendly conversation.  he's made me so angry.  disappointed me.  I've missed him.  and not been able to tell him.  I've thought about him so much.  his presence affects me so much still after all of it.  actually maybe thats not why i couldn't ask the questions, couldn't act normal, like i care about him.  its probably because the "so much" that happened included him distancing himself from me, ignoring me, avoiding me.  so now that he is here, in my face, alone in the warehouse, just because there is space to act how i want to act, he has set a precedent, albeit a second one, that makes it difficult to try something new/old.

mix that with this strange feeling that i know him, that he knows me, that we actually love each other and you have a whole pile of awkward.

there are so many questions i have for him.  do you ever think about it? do you regret it?  do you wish it were different?  do you ever wish we'd slept together? does it feel uncomfortable when you see me?  can you tell how hard its been for me?  do you wish i wouldn't care about you so much? what do you think about me?  I'd love to know that one.  do you think i am a naive girl who can easily be manipulated into falling for a man who objectifies women on the regular?  do you hide your true self from me so that i will be infatuated with you?  or do you think I'm wonderful?

and then the other part speaks: you haven't really talked to him in months. who cares. let it go.

i try.  believe me.

it's almost over. its moving.

but that does't mean i didn't love seeing him in all his awkward.

Another drew?

I've had a crush on him for years.  off and on and nothing intense by any means.

he came around a couple of weeks ago and seemed to linger longer than he has for a while.  he then called and invited me to a wedding.  i was out of town.

so he came around this weekend again, said he'd call.  he did.  but we missed each other after efforts to meet up.

we decide to meet for beach time today.  he calls.  says he's hungover and gonna sweat it out and then call.  Three hours later he has not so i send him a message telling him I've made some plans, maybe another day.

maybe not.

I'm disappointed.  and if people weren't on their way over i might allow my emotions to well up and id cry.

i can mix feelings with "knowing" and logic and think/feel all these things at the same time.

fuck him.
this is why i didn't even want to offer to hang out or make myself available or fucking get excited about it. because i feel like he has done this like 5 times. and the most recent time i saw him i had no openness toward him...friendliness, yes, but the same openness, no.  because i had put it out there enough times and was over feeling rejected.
so then here he comes again.  i get my hopes up to spend my time with a beautiful interesting person and he doesn't even fucking call.
so stupid.

one month later i write again.

a reasonable part of me knows that my feelings and longings and sadness will go away soon enough.  it's not my brain trying to tell my heart that it will go away just to make it stop hurting.  it's just a calm, logical, truth it seems; someone or something new will come and i will fall in love again and it may last for a while or it may not.

it is a cycle.

and that is okay with me today.

Sometimes it is not and my heart sobs and doesn't understand why there must be such pain.  why things have to feel SO MUCH when they are just going to go away at some point anyway.  "what's the point?" she sighs, eyes swollen from crying, muscles tired from fighting, crumpled on the floor.

But today, it is okay.

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i miss you.  are you missing me?
-----

i got good news today.  The boys offered to let me be done earlier than expected because they don't want to hold me back from doing what i really want to be doing.  given that i often felt disrespected and not considered, this surprised me.  dont get me wrong, they didn't treat me poorly, i just happened to feel that way at times.  could've been in my head, could've been warranted, im still not sure.  regardless, their compassion and consideration of my feelings stunned me a bit and after i hung up the phone i cried.....for a while.

i cried out of relief. (wait, this is for real?  you really are going to take this burden from me?  they really are going to take my business and i wont have to worry about it anymore??!)  sometimes i dont realize how much i want something until it is given to me.  how hard i have been holding on, holding my head high, staying positive, manning it on my own.  how much my soul just wants a fucking break but i never really fully tell myself that i need or deserve one.  instead i say, "you're just an anxious person. it's probably not that bad.  you probably complain too much.  if you would just __________ then this wouldnt be so bad." but this relief washed in so quickly that no thoughts had time to come in and steal my deservability or discourage my desire.

i cried because im a little afraid.  of whats next.  of getting what i want and then not knowing what to do. of what people think.  and of that coming into my next venture.

i cried because it's over.  nutty.  it's really over and im moving on.  and that is good, and it is sad.

i cried because this means he is over.  and it is over.  (i dont even like typing that part.  i actually just tried to delete it...)

i am relieved.  but in the first 3 seconds after i hung up the phone when i felt all these emotions firing in succession, i did not feel relief.  i only felt sad.  and i pictured his face and him walking in and fucking up my world every.single.time. and me laying on the couch happily getting his text messages and me crying and trying and hurting and faking and....understanding.  and i am sad.  and i miss him.


 i counted down the days waiting for Dustin to leave.  and then he did and i thought, "okay.  i dont have to see him anymore! wait....shit.  i dont get to see him anymore?"  and it sucked.  it was a horribly long, emotional day and got hammered and could hardly get a hold of myself.  here we are now, nearly a year later and we talk more and are better friends than we ever were before.  that still amazes me every time i think about it.  but even though i have this little miracle under my belt, i still have a hard time believing W and i would ever end up the same way.  but i do suppose anything is possible...


i can hear shannon's voice saying, "rager, i just cant wait to meet your man.  he's going to be so much better than this one."  and my moms.  and my own.  i remember wanting dustin SO badly...hurting, confused, desperate at times.  and now there is no longing and i know it is best and i (love him dearly but still) feel i would have been settling.  so this does give me comfort and im sure what all these voices say is true.  but sometimes, i just want to miss him.  to long for him and be confused.  to honor the inexplicable.  to know there is nothing wrong with my pain.

i fell in love with someone who i could never have and i was in a vulnerable situation with him for almost a year.  that is painful and shitty and sad.  and today, i will have compassion on my heart.

feel whatever you feel.  i am here.  i am so sorry.   and i love you.  you are perfect and you dont have to keep telling yourself that everything will be okay.  just feel what you feel. 

that is enough.