drugs and love

I think about you a lot.  different things.
i wonder.
i laugh.
i wish.
i shame.
i try to change the subject in my mind.

i wonder what it's like to be you.  i want to know what you want to do with your life.  with your money.  with your time and energy.  what's most important to you in life?  why are you striving so?  are you just having fun with all your projects and businesses and dabbling?  or do you feel compelled by some inexplicable or inextricable anxiety?  do your parents expect a lot of you or do you?  do you like your life? what makes you insecure? what do you love about your woman? are you happy?  is she happy?
if you could do anything with  your life what would you do? [that's the second time i typed that.  i wonder if i wonder that bc i want you to say something that i would like.  like that you are unhappy with your life and you are looking for a change.]
do you give away any money? [i just wondered that now for the first time and it was judgmental more than loving]
i want to know what it's like to go home with you.  home, home.  spending time on the couch with you. would you irritate me?  are you selfish?  how do you spend your downtime?  do you drink a lot?  do you like to talk about your day?  would you ask about mine?  would you confide in me, laugh with me, take comfort in me.  would you have any love and attention left for me at the end of the day?  what makes you laugh?  what stories do you tell?  do you like alone time? are you excited to see me?

i realize that these are strange things for me to wonder....but i really do want to know.  yesterday i was sad because i wanted more time.  i wanted to say, "wait!  dont go.  stay here and tell me everything. i dont care what, just, everything.  i want to know you.  you fascinate me."  i wonder if the reason i wonder all these things so hard is because the likelihood that i will actually get my answers is very slim.  

when you have a crush on someone you can usually make up all sorts of stories in your mind about what they might be like.  that's why they are so powerful, crushes.  because in your mind your crush can be one that makes all your dreams come true.  i realize this.  that infatuation and crushes are mostly made up of projected hopes and dreams.

so i wonder all these things about you, and i really do want to know.  you fascinate me with your differentness that is so close and intimate with me right now.  but also i want to know them because likely i wont like what i find out, or i'll see how it doesn't fit me and my crush will fade into nothingness.  this crush that keeps me awake at night and gets me out of bed in the morning.

sometimes i feel like an addict.  you are my drug.  im saying, "ive got control of this. i only use recreationally.  i know people say that withdrawal symptoms can be pretty bad, but i dont think i use enough to have problems.  like one hit a day to keep me light on my feet.  i swear, im not addicted.  i could quit if wanted to."

i haven't wanted to yet.
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im grateful i didn't hear from you all weekend.  id be lying if i didn't hope to see your name when i checked my phone various times a day.  which is why im grateful.  can't be havin that shit.
it was great to hope to see your name every other day this week, or not even be thinking about, and then see your name.  to hope and see.  fuels the addiction.  hope and not see? withdrawal symptoms commence. better to start them now with you only having been in my veins a week.  any longer and i might be in the clinic.
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i like to tell stories.  i told my therapist this and she said we should maybe look at this next time.  my quote was, "i dont know, maybe i dont want to give it up because im just bored.  i like having stories to tell." [referring to the drama of being intensely attracted to someone you will never have/"shouldn't" want/wont work out]
i like the adrenaline. i like excitement.  i like entertaining people with my stories.  but it's kind of like telling people all day about this amazing pizza maker youre going to get and you finally found the perfect one and how it does all these things automatically and WOW it's just incredible can you believe it??? and then you go home at night and your pizza maker is still in catalog form and costs more than you could [probably] ever afford.  and it's maybe a little depressing.  is it worth the excitement you felt telling that story to your friends?  you really convinced yourself that you might own this pizza maker, and you were so happy for a little while even just dreaming about it. [Plus, you had something to talk about with people...maybe you and your therapist should look at that btw: "I need to have stories to tell people/be interesting,..is that true?] but then you go home.  and reality is...you will likely never get the pizza maker.  why do that?  is life really that boring? am i really that bored? and is it worth it, the "comedown"?

flip side:  if i was that bored, would that be so bad?  what if i am?!  yeah im bored and i make up shit to get excited about and then get sad when it doesn't work out, who cares?  the idea of just being neutral all the time does not always sound appealing to me.  sounds BORING.  i dont like to think of myself as a drama queen.  but.... i guess i am.

might as well embrace it.
i am a drama queen addict. i want things i cant have.
ok then.
i love myself anyway.
and everything is perfect.

W

I had a hard time today.

Talked with Dustin for an hour last night.
Then went to bed thinking about lane.
Dreamt about mike Robinette choosing to make out with me with his girlfriend in the other room.
Woke up to a Facebook message from Justin Krueger, saying he was ready for a goodbye kiss because he was finally ready to let me go. (Whaaat?)
Jay came in town and I agreed happily to go to lunch with him. Promptly canceled.
Got a call from (married) Walker and pretended I wasn't dying to see him.

All these men. Chose other women (or substances) over me.  Choose other women over me. Why do I waste any energy on them at all?
Angela probably tried to be encouraging to me about it today. I'm all "what's the harm, I don't want to be with any of them." She's all, "I've never seen anyone talk about or think about the past as much as you do. And all of these guys choose to give their commitments to other women yet still want a piece of you. And you give it to them." I kept hearing her say, "YOU NEED TO BE BETTER, STRONGER, CUT EVERYONE OUT WHO DOESNT LOVE YOU. STOP TELLING STORIES ABOUT ALL THESE STUPID GUYS."
It's hard okay?
A human can only be so strong. Can only take so much rejection before even just a little attention feels necessary and soothing to the heart.
I see the work that could be done here but sometimes it feels like too much.  Sometimes I just want to enjoy what it feels like to be attracted to someone on so many levels.  It feels GOOD. he's fucking married but it feels good. If I knew, really KNEW, that by not indulging in these feelings and by cutting out anyone who wasn't a potential life mate then I would actually meet my life mate, I would fucking do it. But I don't know. I'm human and I'm lonely and I love the tension/interaction.

On the other hand, I did previously write that I was tired of always giving to all these dudes and I was ready for someone to give to me.  And that is true. I am. And walker is not going to leave his wife and likely has a lot of issues just like everyone else and I'm left with wasted energy. He has a wife to go home to when he's done with me. Nate has his next girl. Lane has Genevieve. Dustin has booze. Jay has his girlfriend. And I just go home to me.

When will that hurt be big enough to make me have to believe enough in something better that I stop indulging at all?

Could be a life hanging thought that starts to break the pattern. Could be extreme. I don't fucking know.

It really is amazing how one can be totally in love and consumed with spending time with another human and then just....not be.

I used to love being in bed with him.
Crave it.
 I used to love kissing him, feeling his lips, his tongue, his breath, his hands. Warm. Sometimes gentle, sometimes groping and passionate. I loved both. I loved snuggling up to his back and burying my face in that little cavity between his shoulde blades. I would kiss him there, sweetly, gently, lovingly. And he would half sigh, half moan like that very action was the thing that made his soul content. No matter if we had just made love, had a long conversation, or had a fight, when I curled up behind him and kissed that spot he made would always sigh like it was the first time id ever kissed him there and he'd been longing for it and me his whole life. It gave him away. How much he wanted me. How much he cared. With my arm wrapped around him, hand on his heart, face touching the skin on his back I held him. He was mine. I loved him. And I was his. I made him happy.

I knew it was over when he stopped making that sound.

I should've known anyway.

Maybe it's my age.
Maybe I'm sensitive.
Maybe there are just more babies and wedding rings around lately.

It's hard to keep the thoughts and feelings from creeping in that say there's something missing from my life. Or that I should be somewhere different than I am. I mean, I have no idea what it's like to put my baby to sleep after a long day. To share the delight in her smiles with my husband. To take our dog for a walk. To discuss christmas plans with both my family and his. It just feels like everyone else has this life that I do not. And it's hard to not wonder, "shit, am I supposed to make that happen somehow?  Am I doing something wrong? Am I missing out?"
Then I realize I'm sitting on a park bench listening to the music I want to listen to (90's R&B jamz) and I have nowhere to be. In fact, my greatest struggle of the last hour (it really felt a struggle!) was figuring out what I wanted to do with my time- work some more, just sit here, take a nap, do hot yoga, do regular yoga, or sit here, or go for a run, or meet some friends for an afternoon cocktail, or sit here. (I decided I needed to rest, and consequently just making that decision gave me the energy I coveted and found myself doing handstands.  I will shortly go watch Bradley Cooper in his new film, pretending he's acting so well in order to impress me. I'll probably also get nachos at the Mexican place next door and eat them in the movie even though this is illegal. I'll probably also have a beer even though yesterday I decided I should quit drinking.)
Anyway, maybe it does seem like I'm the only one not married or with kids or with prospects of such. But just because I am alone it does not mean I am left out. It means I am rare. Unique. Badass. And my life is amazing. And I will appreciate all of its and my uniqueness to the best of my ability. I am grateful for it all.

Yet again

I had been waiting for the letter to arrive for a while. Yes, it included a check but this was not really the point. It was symbolic. The last piece. The last time I really need to communicate with him. For me this piece of mail tells me it's really over. And I realize now it meant a lot because it was an opportunity for him to communicate with me and I wanted to see how and if he chose to.  I wasn't aware of this until I got the letter.
So I get the letter today and it seems he closed up the envelope with the check inside and then later decided maybe he should write something. I didn't read it right away. I actually went upstairs, unpacked my suitcase, lit some incense, ran a bath. Finally when I was ready, started to read his short note. Even after two months I found myself hoping for something to encourage me. Something that showed a bit of regret, concern, love. Instead, in only the second sentence he says, I've been reading Angela's blog....I'm sorry to hear she and her boyfriend broke up.   I wanted to reach out to her but something tells me I shouldn't.
All I can see now is that one sentence. He's been spending time reading my best friends blog.  That used to be okay. Until he accidentally snuggled up in bed with her when he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me.
I could write and analyze but I'm not in the mood anymore.
I'm so over it.  he continues to hurt me without even fucking trying. And I continue to have expectations without even realizing it.
I know it's my own stories. Picturing him being attracted to and secretly in love with her.
Or could be intuition.

Regardless. I'm not spending my time thinking about him anymore. I'm moving awayyyy from any conscious connection with him- past, present, future, romantic and platonic.
He let me down AGAIN. Is nice to see that I was hoping, that there's a part of me that is hopeful and gracious to a fault. Also nice to choose, that I'm not going to be upset.  I'm jealous. And sad. But I'm over it. Over it.

Moving forward

Always building.

Practicing.

Last time I wrote it was June. I could've written nearly the same exact post 4 months later. To the day actually. About the same fucking guy.  I remember the reasons I chose to keep trying, to give him the benefit of the doubt.  And I felt clear and centered when I did it.  

But here's what I've been sensing lately.  It is a problem that what I WANTED to say to Lane I did not say. I hoped for better, wished he was better, believed he was better, yes, but I still did not communicate how I REALLY felt. I sugar coated. I doubted myself.  I thought maybe he was the one hurting, I wasn't communicating. I was wrong somehow, not gracious enough, something. And then 4 months later, after big promises were made i could've written the exact same post. 

Who knows for sure. Because it is also true that I learned a lot.  That if this hadn't happened with lane  I may have always wondered if somehow we could have worked it out. And I was able to go at our relationship this time with a commitment to be as true and honest as I could be and that meant being much more vulnerable this time. I also got to try our relationship again without the guilt and sexual tension because we stopped trying to shove all that down.

I guess both things feel true to me. That it was meant to happen for our growth and to be able to let our fantasies and "what if's" about each other go.  And also that i want and need to learn to trust my intuition more. And to act on what it's telling me. Even when it's scary. And codependency is crippling me.  If I do maybe I can avoid wasting months of time, giving more of myself, and being hurt more deeply. 

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I feel like I'm solidly getting over the thing.  That said, I have a hard time thinking about him and avoid it. I feel like I don't know him. Or maybe I do and I really don't like what I see. That part is hard for me to stomach. 

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Ahhh, moving forward. I feel the deep inclination to cut off the male relationships in my life that are holding me back. I say "deep inclination" versus "strong compulsion" because it is not easy and i dont wholeheartedly want to. It's a feeling I have that says that holding on to men that make me feel good about myself for 10 minutes and then let me down shortly after is only indicating to the universe that I don't trust that a good man is coming or that this is all I deserve. 

So.

Nate texts saying he's been thinking a about me. I don't respond. He texts the next night: really?

I don't respond.
In my mind I say, "yes, really. I don't have space in my life for people who continually disrespect me by taking from me when and what they need and then not giving me what I need. What I REALLY need, not what I settle for and pretend is enough.  go find someone else to waste your impulsive energy on."

Jay says to me (the day before he moves back to Florida to be with the girlfriend he can't seem to decide about), "part of me is in love with you and I don't know what to do with that. " I say, "I know." And then I retract,  "you're not in love with me. You're infatuated. And I'm tired of men using that as an excuse to take from and disrespect my heart. I wish you the best and hope you figure out what you're doing with your girlfriend."  And I should probably not answer his calls when he comes to visit because part of me is also "in love" with him and knows what I shouldn't do with it.

Lane. Well lane has heard some of how I really feel. To him I most recently said (texted...after a long discussion with Ang about my codependency issues), "Lane. Please send a check [for the plane ticket that YOU suggested we get that I FUCKING PAID for so we could spend the holidays together before you started HAVING A HARD TIME LETTING GO OF GENEVIEVE and now I get to drive to Charlotte on CHRISTMAS FUCKING DAY and get a hotel and be by myself while FUCKING "can't-really-have-a-deep-conversation-isn't-really-long-term-material-I-was-in-it-for-mostly-superficial-reasons" GENEVIEVE is likely hanging out with you and your family] soon. I'm tired of thinking about it [you selfish, undeserving, shady motherfucker]." I heard nothing back unsurprisingly.  What I will say to him now is, "I don't trust you or your character anymore. I don't have space for someone in my life who is selfish and unclear/dishonest about who they are. I am done giving to you. I am done giving to you." I am done giving to him and every other fucking guy. Someone give to me! I have to believe I deserve it and demand it I suppose for it to actually happen.

Dustin. 

Get real. I haven't said anything but "ill miss you" to him. 

I threw away is notes etc though, doesn't that count for enough?

He moved back to michigan 4 days ago. I was happy he left....for him and me. I felt like symbolically it went along with these other farewells. But relaxed today that continuing to text him combats my congruency claim. 

Even trying to make my mind up now that if I hear from him I won't respond feels really fucking hard. And I feel that piece of my heart talking that is small, deep, and vulnerable. The part that connected with him because his and mine saw each other.  Ok maybe he just saw mine, I never saw his.  Regardless, when I cut him out, stop giving to him, that'll be a big step. Shoot, i take from him. He makes me feel good. Seen, loved, understood. And letting go of him means  I'm really letting go of all past crutches and believing there's better out there. That I deserve more than what he gives, too. 

Do I have to? He doesn't even live here! Maybe I'll try. At least a little, and see how it feels. I'll let you know. 

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I started playing around on a dating app. 

I hate it. 

But do it anyway. 

Let's get real

what i want to say to you today is
you're fucking ridiculous.
how are you going to act like you've been wanting me for all this time and now you have me and you dont want to commit.  you want to date other people.
man fuck you.
you just want what you cant have.
acting like you're a good man and shit.  but you're just like everyone else. okay maybe you weren't acting, i just made up that you were.  flattered myself.  believed you loved me but really you just want the perfect woman.  and i am one aspect of her.  but not actually good enough to satisfy you.

maybe im so mad because i didn't want to commit before.  and i'm projecting.  my anger is really at myself for not being able to commit. and i want someone to do it for me.
commit to me.  be patient with me.  let me know you'll never leave and that you think i'm the coolest thing on the planet no matter what. and you'll wait until i think the same about you, too.  and even if i never think that you will always there...thinking that.  constant. solid.  patient.

maybe im projecting.  maybe i just want to you be a fucking man.  and mean what you say.  i believed you.  i believed you were head over heels.  that no one compared to me.  and today i feel like that was a lie.  i believed a lie.  maybe you even believed a lie.

WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE FUCKING MAN UP?  and say, SHIT! that girl.  i want HER.  I know it.  unwavering.  she's it.  she's mine.