also

just had another thought after reading an older post talking about how i missed him.

what do i miss?  what HIM do i miss?  i don't even know.  i dont even like the him that talks about sex and women and judges people and their lip hair.

etc.

what do i even like?  i instinctively want to change all of those things about him.  i feel they are fueled from insecurity so he just needs to work on that and quit being such an asshole.  but thats HIM.  when you love someone you love all of them, right?  you don't see their insecurities and want to change them.

shouldn't that be enough to make any desire and longing go away?

it'll always be him. (until its not him.)

he walked in today and i wasn't expecting him at all.  i wonder what my face looked like.

ended my phone call.  chatted.  was awkward.  thought, holy cow, we haven't been alone together in the evening for months.  is my dream really about to come true?

his body language didn't necessarily give me hope, not for this particular night at least, but with this occurrence of us randomly and unexpectedly being alone together did come a whisper from the universe reminding me that all all all things are possible.  keep dreaming, nicole.  about all things, i mean.

yes, yes, i realize this is a terribly irrational thing to dream about coming true.  hasn't the whole thing been irrational? um yes.  because i am through the throes, i can say it has been fun for me on one level to do and crave (over and over again) something that is bad for me, doesn't make sense, and will likely hurt me....and not give a fuck.  i almost always give a fuck.

again, irrational.

he's awkward.  we're awkward.  it reminded me of the days when we had first met and i would ask incessant questions to keep him from leaving.  i just wanted more.  tell me more!  keep talking.  please?  i wanted to do that today.  but it's almost like there has been too much. too much disappointment, confusion, desire, anger.  too much has happened, even though nothing more really happened, and i/we can't go back to just innocently asking questions and pretending its just friendly conversation.  he's made me so angry.  disappointed me.  I've missed him.  and not been able to tell him.  I've thought about him so much.  his presence affects me so much still after all of it.  actually maybe thats not why i couldn't ask the questions, couldn't act normal, like i care about him.  its probably because the "so much" that happened included him distancing himself from me, ignoring me, avoiding me.  so now that he is here, in my face, alone in the warehouse, just because there is space to act how i want to act, he has set a precedent, albeit a second one, that makes it difficult to try something new/old.

mix that with this strange feeling that i know him, that he knows me, that we actually love each other and you have a whole pile of awkward.

there are so many questions i have for him.  do you ever think about it? do you regret it?  do you wish it were different?  do you ever wish we'd slept together? does it feel uncomfortable when you see me?  can you tell how hard its been for me?  do you wish i wouldn't care about you so much? what do you think about me?  I'd love to know that one.  do you think i am a naive girl who can easily be manipulated into falling for a man who objectifies women on the regular?  do you hide your true self from me so that i will be infatuated with you?  or do you think I'm wonderful?

and then the other part speaks: you haven't really talked to him in months. who cares. let it go.

i try.  believe me.

it's almost over. its moving.

but that does't mean i didn't love seeing him in all his awkward.

Another drew?

I've had a crush on him for years.  off and on and nothing intense by any means.

he came around a couple of weeks ago and seemed to linger longer than he has for a while.  he then called and invited me to a wedding.  i was out of town.

so he came around this weekend again, said he'd call.  he did.  but we missed each other after efforts to meet up.

we decide to meet for beach time today.  he calls.  says he's hungover and gonna sweat it out and then call.  Three hours later he has not so i send him a message telling him I've made some plans, maybe another day.

maybe not.

I'm disappointed.  and if people weren't on their way over i might allow my emotions to well up and id cry.

i can mix feelings with "knowing" and logic and think/feel all these things at the same time.

fuck him.
this is why i didn't even want to offer to hang out or make myself available or fucking get excited about it. because i feel like he has done this like 5 times. and the most recent time i saw him i had no openness toward him...friendliness, yes, but the same openness, no.  because i had put it out there enough times and was over feeling rejected.
so then here he comes again.  i get my hopes up to spend my time with a beautiful interesting person and he doesn't even fucking call.
so stupid.

one month later i write again.

a reasonable part of me knows that my feelings and longings and sadness will go away soon enough.  it's not my brain trying to tell my heart that it will go away just to make it stop hurting.  it's just a calm, logical, truth it seems; someone or something new will come and i will fall in love again and it may last for a while or it may not.

it is a cycle.

and that is okay with me today.

Sometimes it is not and my heart sobs and doesn't understand why there must be such pain.  why things have to feel SO MUCH when they are just going to go away at some point anyway.  "what's the point?" she sighs, eyes swollen from crying, muscles tired from fighting, crumpled on the floor.

But today, it is okay.

-----
i miss you.  are you missing me?
-----

i got good news today.  The boys offered to let me be done earlier than expected because they don't want to hold me back from doing what i really want to be doing.  given that i often felt disrespected and not considered, this surprised me.  dont get me wrong, they didn't treat me poorly, i just happened to feel that way at times.  could've been in my head, could've been warranted, im still not sure.  regardless, their compassion and consideration of my feelings stunned me a bit and after i hung up the phone i cried.....for a while.

i cried out of relief. (wait, this is for real?  you really are going to take this burden from me?  they really are going to take my business and i wont have to worry about it anymore??!)  sometimes i dont realize how much i want something until it is given to me.  how hard i have been holding on, holding my head high, staying positive, manning it on my own.  how much my soul just wants a fucking break but i never really fully tell myself that i need or deserve one.  instead i say, "you're just an anxious person. it's probably not that bad.  you probably complain too much.  if you would just __________ then this wouldnt be so bad." but this relief washed in so quickly that no thoughts had time to come in and steal my deservability or discourage my desire.

i cried because im a little afraid.  of whats next.  of getting what i want and then not knowing what to do. of what people think.  and of that coming into my next venture.

i cried because it's over.  nutty.  it's really over and im moving on.  and that is good, and it is sad.

i cried because this means he is over.  and it is over.  (i dont even like typing that part.  i actually just tried to delete it...)

i am relieved.  but in the first 3 seconds after i hung up the phone when i felt all these emotions firing in succession, i did not feel relief.  i only felt sad.  and i pictured his face and him walking in and fucking up my world every.single.time. and me laying on the couch happily getting his text messages and me crying and trying and hurting and faking and....understanding.  and i am sad.  and i miss him.


 i counted down the days waiting for Dustin to leave.  and then he did and i thought, "okay.  i dont have to see him anymore! wait....shit.  i dont get to see him anymore?"  and it sucked.  it was a horribly long, emotional day and got hammered and could hardly get a hold of myself.  here we are now, nearly a year later and we talk more and are better friends than we ever were before.  that still amazes me every time i think about it.  but even though i have this little miracle under my belt, i still have a hard time believing W and i would ever end up the same way.  but i do suppose anything is possible...


i can hear shannon's voice saying, "rager, i just cant wait to meet your man.  he's going to be so much better than this one."  and my moms.  and my own.  i remember wanting dustin SO badly...hurting, confused, desperate at times.  and now there is no longing and i know it is best and i (love him dearly but still) feel i would have been settling.  so this does give me comfort and im sure what all these voices say is true.  but sometimes, i just want to miss him.  to long for him and be confused.  to honor the inexplicable.  to know there is nothing wrong with my pain.

i fell in love with someone who i could never have and i was in a vulnerable situation with him for almost a year.  that is painful and shitty and sad.  and today, i will have compassion on my heart.

feel whatever you feel.  i am here.  i am so sorry.   and i love you.  you are perfect and you dont have to keep telling yourself that everything will be okay.  just feel what you feel. 

that is enough.

tempted to read what i wrote last but i will not.

i will write here and now.

do i write mostly when i love or when i hate?  when i am confused or confident?

duh, for sure confused.  the other im not sure.

today, today, today.

him, him, him.

i have never had a such a person throw off my emotions so. dustin broke my heart, spun my emotions for sure, but this one.  man.  

i believe it is the whole situation as well.  i cant really get grounded because everything is changing.  things are scary.  i am stepping out into what is my greater potential.  theres extra power and trepidation in that as well.

doubt.

fear.

insecurity.

lust.

shame.

love.

passion.

confusion.

will.

faith.

calm.

and the inexplicable.

spending time alone in nova scotia was incredible.  strengthened my connection to my inner voice(s).  They talked about him a lot. wondered if im nuts.  when im gonna get over it.  if hes a total douchebag in real life and what that makes me.  if he thinks im ridiculous.  and if he thinks im ridiculous bc he secretly loves me or if he thinks im ridiculous bc i am. 

so i wondered.  and i worked on letting it go.  and i did great.  

today i drew a card. LOVE.  it said, "love is in everyone and can shift any situation."  i tried to think of him that way today as i prepared for our meeting.

so here he comes.  and he is the way i like him.  where i know he fucking loves me. where he'd touch me if he could.  we'd talk about anything else if we could.  we'd lock the door and pretend no one else exists.

 (already my mind is trying to say i am making this up.  that i read too much into things.  and THIS is why i am writing today. because i refuse to do that.)

I know.  i just know.  i. just. know.

It is difficult.  it will never happen.  but regardless of the way he treats me, or how busy he is, or what it triggers in me, it is not because there is something wrong with me.  it will never be that.

nicole, it will never be that.  

he loves you, he cannot help it.  just like you cant.  it is powerful and inexplicable and frustrating and confusing and too much.  for him and probably also for you.

but it is.  just know.

and know its okay.

without function

create for the purpose of creating. let go of function.  crossing things off the list.  loosen your grip.

so i try.

my feelings have been different the past few. 

i suppose "analyzing less" is congruent with "creating to create"....

i am not childishly angry.  you know, the kind of angry you get where you are mostly just hurt and disappointed.  i have been this before...where i was trying to stop thinking about him and thought the anger would help.  now i am more i-just-really-dont-have-space-for-you-in-my-life angry.  annoyed is actually a more appropriate emotion.  or indifferent.  mostly annoyed.  because i have to continue working with him and i dont think hes done a great job making this transition thing easy for me.  not me personally but me as the person he bought the business from. i think he's selfish and i've accommodated him.  and i just dont respect him anymore.  he hasn't even done anything new or different.  i just thought/felt today after he sent me an email response to only one of the two questions i asked him that he is self serving and inconsiderate and im really fucking annoyed that i have to teach him how to run my business.  my shoulder tensed up for the first time when i read his email.  it was a subtle feeling, but today for the first time i felt like it was his fault this happened. in other words, it doesn't happen because of  my emotional injuries or inadequacies or misperceptions or faulty intentions.  its cuz he fucking sucks.  and i'd really like to never see him again.

create to create.  

i hope its all good.  maybe i'll get done with nutty sooner rather than later and then i can close the door completely and move on.  but i wanted it to be a happy, feel good departure.  maybe it just cant be that way.  as i've seen, when things are going really smoothly i tend to feel like maybe i could find a role or at least a financial kickback from the business somehow so i am, in essence, still holding on.  so maybe it just has to be a "good riddance!" sort of thing in order for me to fully let it go.  i'll tell my baby i love her and wish her luck and know she will be just fine in the hands of these men (even though i currently feel like these men dont really give a shit about her).  Maybe baby nutty and i can have a proper goodbye and she says shes strong and she will show the men whats up. she's grown.  she can handle herself.  and if they dont treat her right, she will leave them.

maybe.

but shit.  i mean, yes nutty is my business but its also just a fruit and nut bar.  and if it doesn't go on it doesn't go on.  that business was ME as much as it was nutty.  and IM not disappearing im just relocating.  IM not really going anywhere in that sense.  so maybe its okay to quit trying to be so sentimental about the thing.  quit trying so damn hard period.

--------

i have no real reason to act or be angry at W the next time i see him.  im just over it.  over him.  in every aspect.  

over the longing.  the hurt.  the disappointment.  the confusion and awkwardness and embarrassment.  i want to end this whole fucking fantasy fiasco before it has any more weightiness as i go about my life and my city. i dont want to look at a fancy downtown home, or see a socially prominent person and think of them.  i dont want them on a goddamn pedestal.  i dont want to fucking hear his or her name ever again, frankly.  and i honestly dont know why i would.  two completely different worlds, remember?

dont know why im so angry today. im not going to give potential reasons because i'm creating to create, remember?

i cant believe i gave him so much time and energy.  i know i couldnt help it, it just was.  but today it feels annoying and bizarre.

im tired.

i dont know if i will ever understand the thing that happens in my heart after he walks away.

the pain.

i dont understand what the pain is even about.  where did it come from?  how did it get there?  why does it stay?

it and he and we SERIOUSLY dont make sense.

i feel my love is not justified.  but my love is.

today i wanted to say this: does your heart ever feel like we belong together and yet we are not? and therefore do you feel the pain that i feel?  the kind whose definition and description is elusive and yet very, very clear?

-------
again i drink. and distract.  and know and hope.  and am okay.