Today I followed my heart.

I felt good about it.

Then I shared what I shared with other people who know and love my heart and they did not feel (or seem to feel) as good about it as I did.

After following my heart I felt relief and pride at my bravery.

When my pals responded with skepticism and "are you done with that now? And "be careful with how vulnerable you make yourself around people who don't care" I could feel the fear and self doubt creeping in.  Afraid I made a terrible mistake. Afraid he will avoid me now. Afraid he's going to be uncomfortable. Afraid I did something wrong wrong wrong.

Had to call for reinforcements (which part of me sees as weak but whatever).

I just want to say it.

I did what I needed to do for me. I did the RIGHT thing. The perfect thing. My emotions aren't something to be embarassed about or to fix or figure out why they're wrong. They are my tool. To tell me something. And I can respond to them, listen to them, HONOR them.  The elephant needed to be talked about and we will be better for it.  He will honor me.  We are more than fine. He knows I  strong and I and we can handle it.

Best day.

Man. Seriously, the best.

Today was my complete and utter happy place.  My natural personality and my ADD got to just be exactly as they are and do exatly what they wanted to do.  All day long. 

I slept in.

(But not too late.)

Watched tv with Wern.

(Wimbledon. First time ever. She taught me how the scoring works, what the big tournaments are, what a slice and pass are, how Roger Federer revolutionized the game and we cheered cheered cheered as he almoooost came back and won what would've be his 18th "Grand Slam" win.  I have wanted to understand/care about at least one of these big sporting events for a long time. Wern's physical attraction/love for our boy Roger made this possible today. )

Got in my car and drove down the street just to get a latte to enjoy during my Wimbledon lesson. 

Later told mom id have to call her back because "I was in the middle of watching a routine on 'So You Think You Can Dance' and it was really emotional."

(I actually did start crying when the routine was over. Wern promptly started laughing at me and then proceeded to encourage and comfort me perfectly after I told her the reason I was crying was bc it reminded me of my "situation" in which I was currently feeling embarassed for thinking that my feelings meant anything compared to someone who has been in a relationship for 10 years. Seriously, she said just what I needed to hear and the dance was just the right trigger to get it all out. Girlfriends are a gift from god.)

Cleaned my car, my kitchen, bought multiple miscellaneous items I have been wanting to purchase for years.

(Blender, toaster, new shower caddy, fancy shampoo someone posted about on instagram, etc.)

Recaulked my shower and kitchen countertops.

(Also at least a year and a half overdue.)

Read alllll about delta's silver medallion status and learned super sneaky tricks of the frequent flier trade. 

Worked out like a badass.

(With my butt cheeks maybe slightly visible to my neighbors and without giving a fuck.)

Danced and had the best orgasm in the shower because Chris Brown was blaring so loud from my portable speaker that I just couldn't help myself.

(My glutes will be sore tomorrow and I will not be sure if it is due to my badass workout or Chris Brown singing about fuckin till we get it right...)

Had a last minute gift idea for the birthday party I last minute decided to go to and was able to dig the beautiful gift right out of my back yard.

(She will love it....when she sobers up....if she remembers I gave it to her.)

I drank a beer on the way to the party with no shame.

(My love for my road sodas is one of my favorite things about me. I don't know why.)

I got a shot of Jameson, slice of sweet potato pie, cornhole win, and a "wow, no way you are 31" within 30 minutes of arriving at said party. 

I easily and confidently (and yet kindly and lovingly) told a guy with whom id had considerable witty banter that no, I did not want to "get his number" because I was pretty sure we wouldn't work. "Okay, take it easy," he said. 

I talked to Angela and Lizzie, both while checking out incredible #skyporn (thank you Genevieve) and tell them with deep authenticity how proud I was of them. 

Now I sit here, typing away, feeling sexy and beautiful in my striped tight skirt and hipster tank. Today, today, today. I needed this so badly. 

I am new and powerful and happy. 

I am alive. 

Space

Again I will say that space is good.  It really only takes a few days.

I had a feeling to do a quick photo stalk today. So I did. Probably because I was feeling distant and that means I am both curious and more stable. What I saw was an anniversary photo and a "ten years later, I love you."

Sweet. Really it is.

Its so funny how technology these days can change things. I can see what their friends are saying. Supporting encouraging words, etc. It makes them more real and us more unreal.

I feel it going away.

Have I felt it going away before?

I can't wait til it's over.  Til the new year and I'm gone and the space gets me overrrr the hump. The hump is a pile of fear and unforeseen circumstances. Uncontrollable emotional responses. Longing. Delusion. Distraction.

Funny thing. Today I really wonder how much of this my higher self and I made up to teach me some lesson(s).  If they are even involved really.  This might be totally my story. My spiral. Me, alone whirling under the waves, getting knocked around, shaped, confused, but waiting, trusting, and coming out of the water with new eyes. Me and god learning each other. And they are just at a dinner party with their fabulous 10-year-long other-world friends.  Drinking expensive wine. Laughing at inside jokes. Feeding their cute little dog.

Having no idea I exist, let alone of my emotional involvement with their emotional involvement.

It's really quite disturbing.

This morning I woke up thinking, "This has gone on long enough. It's time to let it go. "

Soon?

I didn't think about you much today.

Thought I saw you. Was so happy. Wasn't you. My hands trembled in the wake.

It doesn't feel fun at first but likely it's better in the long run when I feel my love stories about you aren't humored by the majority of my company.  It's nice to feel embarassed without having to feel judged.

Nice is a strange word there, I realize, but it's true.

I must be ready to love. Ready to share my heart. And you are just the closest I've got.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I can't wait to see how this pans out. (I.e. How and when you will leave my heart and mind. )

----

Today I actually feel a little silly about it all.

Dustin helped me get over Lane. Then Lane helped me get over Dustin. Then He helped me get over Lane and Dustin and Nate and Jay and all of them.

I wonder who will help me get over him. Or if that's even required. It seems so. And maybe that's okay. That there's a natural longing in the heart that will fill itself with something no matter what. Either love or heartache or fantasies or crushes or analyzing the emotion of all of the above. Is there something else I can fill it with besides romantic love or hopes and dreams of that future? Like career accomplishments, travel, other self growth? I will definitely continue trying...

I read back about Dustin last night and this morning. The pain that one can suffer while another does not fascinates me. I often referenced our deep connection... that he must "feel what I feel." Well we now are in a wonderful place in our relationship where we are able to express our love and respect for each other without that strong romantic longing (or lack of).  It is one of the things in my life that I am so awed by and grateful for.  So I guess it validates that connection I always spoke of, and gives me hope that I will one day feel the same validation regarding W.  

And I try to just stop right there.  In a place of faith, trust, honoring myself and my heart. Just knowing that what I feel will happen (he will show up and we will somehow someday have closure/completeness) will happen. 

And why not? It's hard to stay there because the compulsion of my mind is to think, "you are making this up. You attribute way to many things/thoughts/feelings to him that simply aren't true." And why do I do this?  Maybe to protect myself. Because I'm a perfectionist and I want to make sure I'm right. I'm not embarrassing myself, etc.  

To be honest, the former feels like more of a spiritual challenge to do. Even though it also feels better in my heart. So I'll take that and do that and know that I chose my road less traveled. 

---------

Ps. Nutty Goodness is no longer Nicole's. :)

Furious. Irritated. Calm. In love. Sad.


I want to thank you for doing what you said you'd do. It's been a crazy few months, and I felt it could've gone either way, so I'm grateful.

I saw this and thought of you. And despite the mental voice that said (always says) I was being ridiculous for thinking you might want something I got for you, I want you to have it as I think it belongs on your desk. It's fluorite and is said to aid in decision making, connecting to spirit while maintaining groundedness, and also attracts abundance, success, peace and financial prosperity.  I also think it will remind you of me and whatever it is about me that you need and deserve more of in your life.  However that looks.

You are part of my heart and I cannot and will not explain it. I don't want anything from you at all [now that I have your money ;) ] i just want you to be happy and know that I'm crazy about you.