Moving forward

Always building.

Practicing.

Last time I wrote it was June. I could've written nearly the same exact post 4 months later. To the day actually. About the same fucking guy.  I remember the reasons I chose to keep trying, to give him the benefit of the doubt.  And I felt clear and centered when I did it.  

But here's what I've been sensing lately.  It is a problem that what I WANTED to say to Lane I did not say. I hoped for better, wished he was better, believed he was better, yes, but I still did not communicate how I REALLY felt. I sugar coated. I doubted myself.  I thought maybe he was the one hurting, I wasn't communicating. I was wrong somehow, not gracious enough, something. And then 4 months later, after big promises were made i could've written the exact same post. 

Who knows for sure. Because it is also true that I learned a lot.  That if this hadn't happened with lane  I may have always wondered if somehow we could have worked it out. And I was able to go at our relationship this time with a commitment to be as true and honest as I could be and that meant being much more vulnerable this time. I also got to try our relationship again without the guilt and sexual tension because we stopped trying to shove all that down.

I guess both things feel true to me. That it was meant to happen for our growth and to be able to let our fantasies and "what if's" about each other go.  And also that i want and need to learn to trust my intuition more. And to act on what it's telling me. Even when it's scary. And codependency is crippling me.  If I do maybe I can avoid wasting months of time, giving more of myself, and being hurt more deeply. 

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I feel like I'm solidly getting over the thing.  That said, I have a hard time thinking about him and avoid it. I feel like I don't know him. Or maybe I do and I really don't like what I see. That part is hard for me to stomach. 

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Ahhh, moving forward. I feel the deep inclination to cut off the male relationships in my life that are holding me back. I say "deep inclination" versus "strong compulsion" because it is not easy and i dont wholeheartedly want to. It's a feeling I have that says that holding on to men that make me feel good about myself for 10 minutes and then let me down shortly after is only indicating to the universe that I don't trust that a good man is coming or that this is all I deserve. 

So.

Nate texts saying he's been thinking a about me. I don't respond. He texts the next night: really?

I don't respond.
In my mind I say, "yes, really. I don't have space in my life for people who continually disrespect me by taking from me when and what they need and then not giving me what I need. What I REALLY need, not what I settle for and pretend is enough.  go find someone else to waste your impulsive energy on."

Jay says to me (the day before he moves back to Florida to be with the girlfriend he can't seem to decide about), "part of me is in love with you and I don't know what to do with that. " I say, "I know." And then I retract,  "you're not in love with me. You're infatuated. And I'm tired of men using that as an excuse to take from and disrespect my heart. I wish you the best and hope you figure out what you're doing with your girlfriend."  And I should probably not answer his calls when he comes to visit because part of me is also "in love" with him and knows what I shouldn't do with it.

Lane. Well lane has heard some of how I really feel. To him I most recently said (texted...after a long discussion with Ang about my codependency issues), "Lane. Please send a check [for the plane ticket that YOU suggested we get that I FUCKING PAID for so we could spend the holidays together before you started HAVING A HARD TIME LETTING GO OF GENEVIEVE and now I get to drive to Charlotte on CHRISTMAS FUCKING DAY and get a hotel and be by myself while FUCKING "can't-really-have-a-deep-conversation-isn't-really-long-term-material-I-was-in-it-for-mostly-superficial-reasons" GENEVIEVE is likely hanging out with you and your family] soon. I'm tired of thinking about it [you selfish, undeserving, shady motherfucker]." I heard nothing back unsurprisingly.  What I will say to him now is, "I don't trust you or your character anymore. I don't have space for someone in my life who is selfish and unclear/dishonest about who they are. I am done giving to you. I am done giving to you." I am done giving to him and every other fucking guy. Someone give to me! I have to believe I deserve it and demand it I suppose for it to actually happen.

Dustin. 

Get real. I haven't said anything but "ill miss you" to him. 

I threw away is notes etc though, doesn't that count for enough?

He moved back to michigan 4 days ago. I was happy he left....for him and me. I felt like symbolically it went along with these other farewells. But relaxed today that continuing to text him combats my congruency claim. 

Even trying to make my mind up now that if I hear from him I won't respond feels really fucking hard. And I feel that piece of my heart talking that is small, deep, and vulnerable. The part that connected with him because his and mine saw each other.  Ok maybe he just saw mine, I never saw his.  Regardless, when I cut him out, stop giving to him, that'll be a big step. Shoot, i take from him. He makes me feel good. Seen, loved, understood. And letting go of him means  I'm really letting go of all past crutches and believing there's better out there. That I deserve more than what he gives, too. 

Do I have to? He doesn't even live here! Maybe I'll try. At least a little, and see how it feels. I'll let you know. 

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I started playing around on a dating app. 

I hate it. 

But do it anyway. 

Let's get real

what i want to say to you today is
you're fucking ridiculous.
how are you going to act like you've been wanting me for all this time and now you have me and you dont want to commit.  you want to date other people.
man fuck you.
you just want what you cant have.
acting like you're a good man and shit.  but you're just like everyone else. okay maybe you weren't acting, i just made up that you were.  flattered myself.  believed you loved me but really you just want the perfect woman.  and i am one aspect of her.  but not actually good enough to satisfy you.

maybe im so mad because i didn't want to commit before.  and i'm projecting.  my anger is really at myself for not being able to commit. and i want someone to do it for me.
commit to me.  be patient with me.  let me know you'll never leave and that you think i'm the coolest thing on the planet no matter what. and you'll wait until i think the same about you, too.  and even if i never think that you will always there...thinking that.  constant. solid.  patient.

maybe im projecting.  maybe i just want to you be a fucking man.  and mean what you say.  i believed you.  i believed you were head over heels.  that no one compared to me.  and today i feel like that was a lie.  i believed a lie.  maybe you even believed a lie.

WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE FUCKING MAN UP?  and say, SHIT! that girl.  i want HER.  I know it.  unwavering.  she's it.  she's mine.

the blues

A kickball win and 3 mini shots of fireball deep.
Sitting in the jicc parking lot, 98% of players gone.
My car's music singing to my soul.

I want to text lane. Say, "hey baby, are you done with work stuff?" This boy who makes me feel safe, loved, easy, comfortable. Then I get this thought, perhaps anxiety driven, but nonetheless: "remember Dustin?"
And depending on the day or moment I may cry. 
I can't decide what to do with that thought.

Bc I feel more or less content with my reinstated crush on lane. No pressure, no deciding about where it's going, just rollin. And it's so good! Real. Beautiful. Honest love.

But if I write from my emotion I'd say.... It's not the same love. It's just fucking not! The love that tears me up. That made me think of nothing else. That is chemical. Deep. Soul level.

BUT HE DIDN'T FUCKING WORK. DUSTIN DIDNT FUCKING WORK. so who gives a shit what his "love" looked like? I'm trying to make a lesson out of it. Like, "okay, just because you feel that way inside doesn't mean it is a lasting relationship. ...or anything worth anything at all. I dont know what else I'm missing. I just know sometimes I feel very stable and content and wise and logical and Dustin is not a part of that. Then there are these sudden moments where my heart (and eyes) just cry. I try more often than not to say to myself that I'm just wishing for something that I don't actually need or for something that I am disillusioned about. But today I feel like affirming the openness in my heart. The openness being an acknowledgement that Dustin was something special and it's valid that I should still be missing him and wanting something to fill that void.
I can see and believe in both sides.

-You are completely enough and do and will never need another person to complete you.
-You have a part of you that is searching for that magical love. That part is valid and you will find it.

I'm 50/50 exactly.

Maybe even 70/30 leaning toward being alone.

Merry Christmas

So grateful. For my Angela who supports me wholly when i bare my heart with one brief text message. For Christi who shares her growing pains with me openly. The beautiful and the not-so-beautiful. And her allowing me to do the same. I'm thankful for gratitude and how that seems to be my spiritual rock these days. For brendon and Ben who make me feel loved. For my mom who gets me. For god who lets she and i be on the same wavelength. This is a strong understatement. I'm grateful for longstanding relationships. And for shifting ones. I'm grateful for a quiet day, for dogs to share Christmas with, and strangers who ask me what I'm writing about. I'm grateful for god showing me the way, revealing beauty in time and for me to be okay in each and every moment.

draw

the connection is powerful but subtle.  coveted. comforting.  too good to be true.
i receive.
i deserve.
i am.
he is coming.
he is here already.

i rest.
and breathe.

im not sure but i really really really hope

so i had a one night stand the other night.  never done that before.  probably wont again.  i say probably which means no guarantees.  i mean, i may be waiting a long time for my person and sometimes i get pissed and bored and attracted so....   anyway, this is not the point.  the point is i got a phone call in the middle of it from the one and only mike robinette.  my first intense, infatuated, sexy, charismatic, horribly mean-when-drunk love.  i haven't talked to him in years.  i picked up the phone of course.

i didn't think much about this until this weekend, two weeks later. 

dustin has been around.  this weekend he texted me the morning of the market telling me if i still liked the smell of booze breath i'd be in love when i saw him. [note #1: mike robinette is the reason i love that smell.]  he asked what i wanted for breakfast.  i told him i wanted something filled with love and magic.  he brings me something wonderfully delicious and actually sits down and eats it with me.  we finish eating, he goes to his stand, i text saying the wrap was quite tasty.  he responds, "best breakfast i have had in a while.  food excluded obviously."  he comes back 10 minutes later and sits and shoots the shit with me about family, thanksgiving, my new car, whatever for about 15 minutes and says he'll be back when joy comes in the afternoon so he can meet her.  this is the most he has hung out with me at the market the whole year.  [note #2:  reference previous post for how i feel when he is near.]

blah blah carry on.  i actually asked if he wanted to hang out with joy and i, he says perhaps.  i get a little buzzed up during the twilight movie and send him a quote from the movie.  he does not respond.  still hasn't.

fine.  no need.  but here's what happend.  i was bummed.  yet again. and i couldn't believe how sad he could make me just by not responding.  he gives a little, then nothing.  gives a little more, then.....nothing.  its cuz i think he's coming back...gonna be the dude i want him to be, and then his disappearance says, nope.

but over the next 2 days reminders of mike rob and our relationship floated through my brain.  how when i was with him i felt so connected and in love with him.  and couldn't figure out how it wouldn't work.  why it was wrong when it felt so good.  and i remembered the day he told me he would go to counseling/treatment and quit drinking etc and my gut thought [finally] was, "oh shit.  i dont know if i really want all this.  if this is the kind of man i want to be with."  so here's the beginning of the epiphany:

when dustin was standing with me in my tent talking about how his goal the night before was to get his 23 year old friend to black out and how he didn't understand why the guy walking by was wearing flip flops when it was 40 degrees out in his lovely judgemental way, my gut quietly nudged me.  she said, "ahem.  you don't like hanging out with people like him." 

however, my emotions and addiction to him and hope for him/us were all at high voltage so i ignored that voice. but after he disappointed me yet again and i went to yoga to calm down, the voice was clearer as she quietly spoke in the final moments of class. "you will never think it's cool to see how drunk one can get.  and you will always shoot for putting yourself in other people's shoes, for trying to be loving and accepting.  and you are respectful.  you like respectful people.  he has not made you feel good since february.  he has litearlly done nothing to make you feel good about yourself! he shows up, doesn't let you let go, but he doesn't make you feel good about yourself.  you have been holding on to the feeling, to the parts of him you do love.  but it would be an uphill battle to make him be the kind of person you really want to be around.  to be inspired by.  and why should you force him to be something he's not?"  She's right.  My wise woman knows.  As harsh as it sounds, I dont like people like him. (of course this is on the human level, not the soul-level).

I am trying not to let my monkey mind/self-blame start analyzing why we got together in the first place then.  because it's true that i have always avoided starting relationships for this very reason.  if you date people that from the beginning you know aren't really your type, you run the risk of falling for someone you weren't really compatible with in the first place and getting all broken hearted [stupidly].  but i know that at the time he was just what i wanted.  he was just what i needed.  and he made me so happy for a little while.  he was beautiful and we were beautiful.  and he taught me to be honest despite my fears.  but im ready to let go.  i think the final piece is in place.  im not letting go because i should and because he can't/doesn't want to be with me.  i'm letting go because the man he has shown himself to truly be by his perpetual choices over the past 8 months, i do not want to be with.

so i will wait in excited anticipation for the one i do.

goodbye dustin.

chaos

you take me to this place that makes me lose it.
makes me lose sight of anything else going on in my heart and mind that does not concern you.
it makes my heart hungry yet satisfied.  alive with feeling.  content like all is right with the world and this moment is all there is. yet i am teetering on a precipice with ecstasy on one side and devastation and chaos on the other.
a fine line divides ecstasy and chaos.  properties of being out of control are evident in both. one, bliss, the other, [can be] hell.
i dont feel like myself around you because i am in this other place.  but im instantly drawn to this place so i dont know how i got there, i just know i am there. so it must be myself.  it must be true.  truer than me normally?  or the opposite?
then when you leave it is as if i am spun in a whirlwind and i dont know where i was, what i was just feeling, what i was saying.  am i crazy?
if im honest it's not just when you leave.  it's more when i reach out from a hopeful (often drink induced) place and you dont respond.
it is then i feel as if i am the yo-yo on the end of a string and your departing is the action that flicks me back up my string, rolling rolling spinning spinning getting dizzy.....then i get let out again.  and i dangle there.

and i say, what the fuck was that?