home

today i kind of want to go home.  dont really know why necessarily.  just this feeling like, "if i leave here and go there i'll feel better." but would i?
like i could be home and my focus could and prob would be any number of things.
i just need to break up with dave.
i just need to get a different apartment.
i just need to find a job i like.
i just need to practice and get better at yoga.
i need to be more social.  i need to find a man.  i need to meditate more.

would that be true?  dont know.

i guess i just want to feel more like, "wow, this place is amazing.  these people, this beach, this food, this city, this whatever.  and i dont.  all sort of neutral.

but if wise woman speaks she says, "energy cannot be created nor destroyed.  feelings of exuberance happen most often when other feelings aren't using up your energy.  most of your energy right now is being spent on remembering your spanish, navigating the jeff/rebecca dynamic, and learning all the ins and outs of this business.  its the first time you've had a job in a year! you're doing great. no te preocupes."

on another note, i see myself wanting to improve all aspects of the business here.  not because they need it but because isn't that what you're supposed to do?  always improve.  always work?

the business needs to improve.  is this true?
yes.
can i absolutely know that its true?  no.
how do i feel when i believe this is true, that the business needs to improve?
i start looking for things to do.  i feel scattered.  like im trying to get motivated.  anxiousl   pressure, like jeff is going to get mad at me.  im not doing my job.  i need to work harder.
who would i be without the thought "the business needs to improve?"
i would just do th things i was told to do. focus harder on those and relax more when there's nothing to do.
turn it around.
the business does not need to improve. (or i dont need to improve it)
i need to improve.
the business needs to improve me.
no.  the business does not need to improve...and it is not my responsibility.
three examples:
1-jeff did not say, "i want you to come down here and improve my business."
2-i am not the business owner.
3-the business seems to be supporting itself.  again, its not mine, its not my responsibility.
4-jeff said, we need some help managing.  i never claimed to be good managing a restaurant.  i am good with numbers and quickbooks, thats what i said.

adios dave

so dave.

normally if i guy sends you messages frequently about how much they have a crush on you it should be flattering.  make you get a little smile on your face.  send a sweet something back.  but for the life of me i cannot seem to make this happen.  i can tolerate conversation and moderate closeness as long as things feel friendly and not uber romantic.  once they take a turn in that direction i just cant do it.  i can't respond.  and i cant figure out why.

prob because i feel bad.  i feel bad that i did have a crush on him.  i did wonder about him...who he was, what made him tick, how we would work together. i appreciated him.  was intrigued by him.  i looked at him with crush eyes.  but all the while was just feeling it out.  and i feel bad that it has faded.

i dont think i made any promises at that time.  implied my heart was in a place different than what it was.  but for some reason i feel guilt now about my heart changing.  if i didn't feel guilt i would just tell him i dont feel the same and im not interested in pursuing this further.  but im delaying.  like i did something wrong, or im trying to figure out if i did.  maybe this is just because it was so intense so fast...like real, big, honest conversations all the time.  or maybe its just because he's been so forthcoming about his feelings and stuff that it feels overwhelming.  i dont know.

what i know is if i dont think about the past and times we shared together and a bunch of "shoulds," I'd like to send this message:

hey. i want to respond to your sweet and thoughtful messages with equally sweet and thoughtful ones.  but i just can't seem to do that so i feel bad receiving yours.  i think you are an incredible person, seriously and truly, so wonderful! but something about this thing we have going isn't quite working and i need to let it go at this point.  i still love our story and all the time we have spent together, but i know this is the right thing for me.  im sorry for any disappointment, know that i am quite sad about it as well.  thank you for always treating me with such respect and care and for being so open and honest with me always.  i know that everything that has happened has been good and will continue to be so.  all my best...

shoot.  maybe ill just send that very thing.  we'll see.

Well Im here.  Here!  here?  here.

Adventure number two (give or take 5) this year.  It's an interesting thing landing in a new place far from your home.  Excitement, trepidation, quiet, curiosity, protection, courage.

I landed in Costa Rica today after an excellent flight from Chicago.  Flight was excellent due in part to being upgraded to First Class and thus awarded a full meal and several cocktails and in part to great conversation with a seasoned international traveler who had no sense or energy of needing to feel fear at visiting foreign countries and cultures.

i can write with many details right now but i want to start this blog so....

my flight over was awesome.  no fear from the lady.
seeing the palm trees and feeling my soul get happy even tho i had been sad and kind of neutral emotionally lately.
great and easy seeing jeff, old school hip hop.
restaurant and apartment are nicer than i thought.
overwhelmed a bit at managing all these ppl.
you cant fire people???
carly so awesome! taking me around.
meeting new ppl.
latin dudes sometimes freak me out.  this make me sad because i have just gotten to a place where i love looking at men.  okay lets me honest, i like eye balling and smiling and checking you out...hard.  and feeling good in my skin.  and not being afraid.  i caught my self making eye contact and then looking down because i didnt want to make an invitation.

then i remembered that when i acclimate to a new place i get quiet.  ihad no opportunity to be quiet today.  prob wont tomor.  am going to have to make it.

wheres the yoga and how soon can i go?  im beat.  then again i did have 4 cocktails before 1pm....