i dont know if i will ever understand the thing that happens in my heart after he walks away.

the pain.

i dont understand what the pain is even about.  where did it come from?  how did it get there?  why does it stay?

it and he and we SERIOUSLY dont make sense.

i feel my love is not justified.  but my love is.

today i wanted to say this: does your heart ever feel like we belong together and yet we are not? and therefore do you feel the pain that i feel?  the kind whose definition and description is elusive and yet very, very clear?

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again i drink. and distract.  and know and hope.  and am okay.

Space. Again.

Today I actively tried to come up with a reason/excuse/means to AVOID seeing him tomorrow.

I think this is the very first time I have done this.

And when I prayed for a way and got an answer within a few hours I was (and am still) elated.

Pretty sure this means things are looking up up up!!

Haven't seen him in 10 days (not that I'm counting) ...ugh I was going to write more about it but then I got disgusted that I'm writing about it.  And that I sort of counted.

So nevermind.

Things are up, I'm up, and I'm waiting for my tattoo sleeved business man.

Come to me, baby.

Open

I could stare at you forever. Even just a photo. Your face, I love it, it pulls me. My hands feel like they used to know your face.

I can't hep but love you for helping me accomplish my dream. For giving me my dream even though it's too much work. It might not pay off. And it's a difficult emotional situation.  You are taking my baby from me and giving her all the things I wanted to provide but couldn't. I hope you will fight for her. I believe you will.

How could I not love you just for that?

Throw those eyes, your smell, your voice, your mind, your energy, your sexuality and passion in top of that and, well. Game over.

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I'm trying to be open to the new. And not dwell on you. I really am.

But maybe I don't have to.  I mean you came in like a roaring train to make lane vaporize into thin air and I'm pretty sure I wasn't actively trying to be open and manifest you.  You were not a conscious choice.

My higher self must be immensely grander than I thought.

Today I followed my heart.

I felt good about it.

Then I shared what I shared with other people who know and love my heart and they did not feel (or seem to feel) as good about it as I did.

After following my heart I felt relief and pride at my bravery.

When my pals responded with skepticism and "are you done with that now? And "be careful with how vulnerable you make yourself around people who don't care" I could feel the fear and self doubt creeping in.  Afraid I made a terrible mistake. Afraid he will avoid me now. Afraid he's going to be uncomfortable. Afraid I did something wrong wrong wrong.

Had to call for reinforcements (which part of me sees as weak but whatever).

I just want to say it.

I did what I needed to do for me. I did the RIGHT thing. The perfect thing. My emotions aren't something to be embarassed about or to fix or figure out why they're wrong. They are my tool. To tell me something. And I can respond to them, listen to them, HONOR them.  The elephant needed to be talked about and we will be better for it.  He will honor me.  We are more than fine. He knows I  strong and I and we can handle it.

Best day.

Man. Seriously, the best.

Today was my complete and utter happy place.  My natural personality and my ADD got to just be exactly as they are and do exatly what they wanted to do.  All day long. 

I slept in.

(But not too late.)

Watched tv with Wern.

(Wimbledon. First time ever. She taught me how the scoring works, what the big tournaments are, what a slice and pass are, how Roger Federer revolutionized the game and we cheered cheered cheered as he almoooost came back and won what would've be his 18th "Grand Slam" win.  I have wanted to understand/care about at least one of these big sporting events for a long time. Wern's physical attraction/love for our boy Roger made this possible today. )

Got in my car and drove down the street just to get a latte to enjoy during my Wimbledon lesson. 

Later told mom id have to call her back because "I was in the middle of watching a routine on 'So You Think You Can Dance' and it was really emotional."

(I actually did start crying when the routine was over. Wern promptly started laughing at me and then proceeded to encourage and comfort me perfectly after I told her the reason I was crying was bc it reminded me of my "situation" in which I was currently feeling embarassed for thinking that my feelings meant anything compared to someone who has been in a relationship for 10 years. Seriously, she said just what I needed to hear and the dance was just the right trigger to get it all out. Girlfriends are a gift from god.)

Cleaned my car, my kitchen, bought multiple miscellaneous items I have been wanting to purchase for years.

(Blender, toaster, new shower caddy, fancy shampoo someone posted about on instagram, etc.)

Recaulked my shower and kitchen countertops.

(Also at least a year and a half overdue.)

Read alllll about delta's silver medallion status and learned super sneaky tricks of the frequent flier trade. 

Worked out like a badass.

(With my butt cheeks maybe slightly visible to my neighbors and without giving a fuck.)

Danced and had the best orgasm in the shower because Chris Brown was blaring so loud from my portable speaker that I just couldn't help myself.

(My glutes will be sore tomorrow and I will not be sure if it is due to my badass workout or Chris Brown singing about fuckin till we get it right...)

Had a last minute gift idea for the birthday party I last minute decided to go to and was able to dig the beautiful gift right out of my back yard.

(She will love it....when she sobers up....if she remembers I gave it to her.)

I drank a beer on the way to the party with no shame.

(My love for my road sodas is one of my favorite things about me. I don't know why.)

I got a shot of Jameson, slice of sweet potato pie, cornhole win, and a "wow, no way you are 31" within 30 minutes of arriving at said party. 

I easily and confidently (and yet kindly and lovingly) told a guy with whom id had considerable witty banter that no, I did not want to "get his number" because I was pretty sure we wouldn't work. "Okay, take it easy," he said. 

I talked to Angela and Lizzie, both while checking out incredible #skyporn (thank you Genevieve) and tell them with deep authenticity how proud I was of them. 

Now I sit here, typing away, feeling sexy and beautiful in my striped tight skirt and hipster tank. Today, today, today. I needed this so badly. 

I am new and powerful and happy. 

I am alive. 

Space

Again I will say that space is good.  It really only takes a few days.

I had a feeling to do a quick photo stalk today. So I did. Probably because I was feeling distant and that means I am both curious and more stable. What I saw was an anniversary photo and a "ten years later, I love you."

Sweet. Really it is.

Its so funny how technology these days can change things. I can see what their friends are saying. Supporting encouraging words, etc. It makes them more real and us more unreal.

I feel it going away.

Have I felt it going away before?

I can't wait til it's over.  Til the new year and I'm gone and the space gets me overrrr the hump. The hump is a pile of fear and unforeseen circumstances. Uncontrollable emotional responses. Longing. Delusion. Distraction.

Funny thing. Today I really wonder how much of this my higher self and I made up to teach me some lesson(s).  If they are even involved really.  This might be totally my story. My spiral. Me, alone whirling under the waves, getting knocked around, shaped, confused, but waiting, trusting, and coming out of the water with new eyes. Me and god learning each other. And they are just at a dinner party with their fabulous 10-year-long other-world friends.  Drinking expensive wine. Laughing at inside jokes. Feeding their cute little dog.

Having no idea I exist, let alone of my emotional involvement with their emotional involvement.

It's really quite disturbing.

This morning I woke up thinking, "This has gone on long enough. It's time to let it go. "

Soon?

I didn't think about you much today.

Thought I saw you. Was so happy. Wasn't you. My hands trembled in the wake.

It doesn't feel fun at first but likely it's better in the long run when I feel my love stories about you aren't humored by the majority of my company.  It's nice to feel embarassed without having to feel judged.

Nice is a strange word there, I realize, but it's true.

I must be ready to love. Ready to share my heart. And you are just the closest I've got.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I can't wait to see how this pans out. (I.e. How and when you will leave my heart and mind. )

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Today I actually feel a little silly about it all.