It really is amazing how one can be totally in love and consumed with spending time with another human and then just....not be.

I used to love being in bed with him.
Crave it.
 I used to love kissing him, feeling his lips, his tongue, his breath, his hands. Warm. Sometimes gentle, sometimes groping and passionate. I loved both. I loved snuggling up to his back and burying my face in that little cavity between his shoulde blades. I would kiss him there, sweetly, gently, lovingly. And he would half sigh, half moan like that very action was the thing that made his soul content. No matter if we had just made love, had a long conversation, or had a fight, when I curled up behind him and kissed that spot he made would always sigh like it was the first time id ever kissed him there and he'd been longing for it and me his whole life. It gave him away. How much he wanted me. How much he cared. With my arm wrapped around him, hand on his heart, face touching the skin on his back I held him. He was mine. I loved him. And I was his. I made him happy.

I knew it was over when he stopped making that sound.

I should've known anyway.

Maybe it's my age.
Maybe I'm sensitive.
Maybe there are just more babies and wedding rings around lately.

It's hard to keep the thoughts and feelings from creeping in that say there's something missing from my life. Or that I should be somewhere different than I am. I mean, I have no idea what it's like to put my baby to sleep after a long day. To share the delight in her smiles with my husband. To take our dog for a walk. To discuss christmas plans with both my family and his. It just feels like everyone else has this life that I do not. And it's hard to not wonder, "shit, am I supposed to make that happen somehow?  Am I doing something wrong? Am I missing out?"
Then I realize I'm sitting on a park bench listening to the music I want to listen to (90's R&B jamz) and I have nowhere to be. In fact, my greatest struggle of the last hour (it really felt a struggle!) was figuring out what I wanted to do with my time- work some more, just sit here, take a nap, do hot yoga, do regular yoga, or sit here, or go for a run, or meet some friends for an afternoon cocktail, or sit here. (I decided I needed to rest, and consequently just making that decision gave me the energy I coveted and found myself doing handstands.  I will shortly go watch Bradley Cooper in his new film, pretending he's acting so well in order to impress me. I'll probably also get nachos at the Mexican place next door and eat them in the movie even though this is illegal. I'll probably also have a beer even though yesterday I decided I should quit drinking.)
Anyway, maybe it does seem like I'm the only one not married or with kids or with prospects of such. But just because I am alone it does not mean I am left out. It means I am rare. Unique. Badass. And my life is amazing. And I will appreciate all of its and my uniqueness to the best of my ability. I am grateful for it all.

Yet again

I had been waiting for the letter to arrive for a while. Yes, it included a check but this was not really the point. It was symbolic. The last piece. The last time I really need to communicate with him. For me this piece of mail tells me it's really over. And I realize now it meant a lot because it was an opportunity for him to communicate with me and I wanted to see how and if he chose to.  I wasn't aware of this until I got the letter.
So I get the letter today and it seems he closed up the envelope with the check inside and then later decided maybe he should write something. I didn't read it right away. I actually went upstairs, unpacked my suitcase, lit some incense, ran a bath. Finally when I was ready, started to read his short note. Even after two months I found myself hoping for something to encourage me. Something that showed a bit of regret, concern, love. Instead, in only the second sentence he says, I've been reading Angela's blog....I'm sorry to hear she and her boyfriend broke up.   I wanted to reach out to her but something tells me I shouldn't.
All I can see now is that one sentence. He's been spending time reading my best friends blog.  That used to be okay. Until he accidentally snuggled up in bed with her when he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me.
I could write and analyze but I'm not in the mood anymore.
I'm so over it.  he continues to hurt me without even fucking trying. And I continue to have expectations without even realizing it.
I know it's my own stories. Picturing him being attracted to and secretly in love with her.
Or could be intuition.

Regardless. I'm not spending my time thinking about him anymore. I'm moving awayyyy from any conscious connection with him- past, present, future, romantic and platonic.
He let me down AGAIN. Is nice to see that I was hoping, that there's a part of me that is hopeful and gracious to a fault. Also nice to choose, that I'm not going to be upset.  I'm jealous. And sad. But I'm over it. Over it.

Moving forward

Always building.

Practicing.

Last time I wrote it was June. I could've written nearly the same exact post 4 months later. To the day actually. About the same fucking guy.  I remember the reasons I chose to keep trying, to give him the benefit of the doubt.  And I felt clear and centered when I did it.  

But here's what I've been sensing lately.  It is a problem that what I WANTED to say to Lane I did not say. I hoped for better, wished he was better, believed he was better, yes, but I still did not communicate how I REALLY felt. I sugar coated. I doubted myself.  I thought maybe he was the one hurting, I wasn't communicating. I was wrong somehow, not gracious enough, something. And then 4 months later, after big promises were made i could've written the exact same post. 

Who knows for sure. Because it is also true that I learned a lot.  That if this hadn't happened with lane  I may have always wondered if somehow we could have worked it out. And I was able to go at our relationship this time with a commitment to be as true and honest as I could be and that meant being much more vulnerable this time. I also got to try our relationship again without the guilt and sexual tension because we stopped trying to shove all that down.

I guess both things feel true to me. That it was meant to happen for our growth and to be able to let our fantasies and "what if's" about each other go.  And also that i want and need to learn to trust my intuition more. And to act on what it's telling me. Even when it's scary. And codependency is crippling me.  If I do maybe I can avoid wasting months of time, giving more of myself, and being hurt more deeply. 

------

I feel like I'm solidly getting over the thing.  That said, I have a hard time thinking about him and avoid it. I feel like I don't know him. Or maybe I do and I really don't like what I see. That part is hard for me to stomach. 

------

Ahhh, moving forward. I feel the deep inclination to cut off the male relationships in my life that are holding me back. I say "deep inclination" versus "strong compulsion" because it is not easy and i dont wholeheartedly want to. It's a feeling I have that says that holding on to men that make me feel good about myself for 10 minutes and then let me down shortly after is only indicating to the universe that I don't trust that a good man is coming or that this is all I deserve. 

So.

Nate texts saying he's been thinking a about me. I don't respond. He texts the next night: really?

I don't respond.
In my mind I say, "yes, really. I don't have space in my life for people who continually disrespect me by taking from me when and what they need and then not giving me what I need. What I REALLY need, not what I settle for and pretend is enough.  go find someone else to waste your impulsive energy on."

Jay says to me (the day before he moves back to Florida to be with the girlfriend he can't seem to decide about), "part of me is in love with you and I don't know what to do with that. " I say, "I know." And then I retract,  "you're not in love with me. You're infatuated. And I'm tired of men using that as an excuse to take from and disrespect my heart. I wish you the best and hope you figure out what you're doing with your girlfriend."  And I should probably not answer his calls when he comes to visit because part of me is also "in love" with him and knows what I shouldn't do with it.

Lane. Well lane has heard some of how I really feel. To him I most recently said (texted...after a long discussion with Ang about my codependency issues), "Lane. Please send a check [for the plane ticket that YOU suggested we get that I FUCKING PAID for so we could spend the holidays together before you started HAVING A HARD TIME LETTING GO OF GENEVIEVE and now I get to drive to Charlotte on CHRISTMAS FUCKING DAY and get a hotel and be by myself while FUCKING "can't-really-have-a-deep-conversation-isn't-really-long-term-material-I-was-in-it-for-mostly-superficial-reasons" GENEVIEVE is likely hanging out with you and your family] soon. I'm tired of thinking about it [you selfish, undeserving, shady motherfucker]." I heard nothing back unsurprisingly.  What I will say to him now is, "I don't trust you or your character anymore. I don't have space for someone in my life who is selfish and unclear/dishonest about who they are. I am done giving to you. I am done giving to you." I am done giving to him and every other fucking guy. Someone give to me! I have to believe I deserve it and demand it I suppose for it to actually happen.

Dustin. 

Get real. I haven't said anything but "ill miss you" to him. 

I threw away is notes etc though, doesn't that count for enough?

He moved back to michigan 4 days ago. I was happy he left....for him and me. I felt like symbolically it went along with these other farewells. But relaxed today that continuing to text him combats my congruency claim. 

Even trying to make my mind up now that if I hear from him I won't respond feels really fucking hard. And I feel that piece of my heart talking that is small, deep, and vulnerable. The part that connected with him because his and mine saw each other.  Ok maybe he just saw mine, I never saw his.  Regardless, when I cut him out, stop giving to him, that'll be a big step. Shoot, i take from him. He makes me feel good. Seen, loved, understood. And letting go of him means  I'm really letting go of all past crutches and believing there's better out there. That I deserve more than what he gives, too. 

Do I have to? He doesn't even live here! Maybe I'll try. At least a little, and see how it feels. I'll let you know. 

-------

I started playing around on a dating app. 

I hate it. 

But do it anyway.