you.

oh man.  i really meant it when i said that space was good.  i felt it, i meant it.  i didn't want you to come home.

and then.

i realized you were coming home.

and i got excited.  man!  i couldn't fucking help it.  and i couldn't fucking believe it.  that about 4 hours into my monday i couldn't wait to text you.  i debated.  then let my caffeine buzz kick in and sent you my, "HELLO IM SO HAPPY YOURE HOME I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING I MISSED YOU DID YOU HAVE A GREAT TIME DID YOU MISS ME COME HERE NOW!" text. [it didn't say that of course.  the words read what they read - simple and easy and funny - but the energy said exactly what all those capital letters say.]

and i couldn't fucking believe it.  all i thought was, "dude.  im crazy.  how can this be?  i TRULY was happy he was gone.  and now i can't wait to see him.  am i so ready to get back into my addict misery of love and confusion and disappointment?  high and lows and hanging on by a thread?  no way.  but i could not help my delight.  it felt so real.  so true.  so loving. so natural.  and yet, so did my relief with him being far away.  i feel "me" in both senses.

i also couldn't fucking believe today. when i saw him.  well first, that i looked for him so habitually.  that i had to remind myself to focus on the people that were actually sitting in front of me.  that WANT to spend time with me.  that are present and choosing to be present with me.  the relationships that aren't complicated and intense dont cause a raucous.  i glanced at that window at nearly every person that walked by and all the many navy cars that drove by and tried to pretend, even say to myself, that i wasn't.  like i'd glance so quickly that i'd pretend it didn't happen...so if the person across from me would have asked if i was looking for someone i could say, no, i wasn't even looking.  i was saying that to my own inner viewer....no, i wasn't even looking.  that car did not specifically get my attention because it's blue, i just happened to glance.  seriously, no big deal.  i lied to myself for hours today.  and THEN.  right as i was leaving, there he is.  my love.  my crush.  the one who makes no sense. and makes all my senses go crazy.

i think it's no big deal. because i was excited to see him instead of dreading it because he's been ignoring me and i miss him or something.  and i come off completely cool i'm pretty sure.  im charming and real and confident and breezy.  and im not scared to tell him i missed him.  the only thing that gives away what he does to me is that my hands and legs immediately start shaking.  we're talkin uncontrollably.  even with deep breaths and focus on other people.  my whole legs shake.  visibly.  for A LONG TIME.  this has happened 100% of the times i have been in the same room with him.  isn't that wild?  is it because i have so much built up energy around him that when i see him and i try to control it my body just starts twitching? haha. seriously, it blows my mind.

anyway.

i still want more.  i want to hear about your trip.  i want like every detail (okay maybe not every detail...).  i want to know what you thought about, how you felt, how your time with the guys was, what you liked that you saw.  how it felt to not work out.  did you work much?  how does it feel to be home?  how's your shoulder?  are things going to slow down a bit for you now?  are you rejuvenated?  i want you to come to my home and lay in my bed with your head on my chest and let me ask you questions and you just talk.  talk and talk and talk and rest and be.  i just want you to be with me.  and then i'd like you to lose yourself in me and us as we make beautiful, sweet, dirty love.  i just want some time to be with you.

that's all.

i dont know why i feel differently today than i have for the past couple of months.  that i can want these things and the desire doesn't depress me.  doesnt overtake me.  and i dont feel insecure about myself and how you may be thinking and feeling about me.  it must just be in my head.  i feel secure in myself so its easier for me to say and believe what im about to say.  im going to type now without a filter.

come on, nicole, you can do it.

i know you want me.  i know you feel for me what i feel for you - intrigue, passion, draw.  you wish you didn't want it, you pretend you dont want it or that you're just physically attracted to me.  but you are drawn to my heart.  my lightness.  my love for you.  it helps you see yourself.  and it scares the shit out of you.  that you might be worth something.  might be worth loving exactly as you are.  not the you that you show to the world, but the you that is tender, that dreams like i dream of ease and love and connectedness and peace and freedom.  you feel that, and you love that and so you love me.  but i am impossible.  too different.  too unpredictable.  too challenging.  i would make you be someone very different from who you are used to being.  so you run.  you ignore.  and you pour yourself into your work and you pretend those are you priorities and your life IS how you want and THIS is what you choose and you drink and you pretend.  you pretend you aren't thinking about me.  you lie to yourself just like i was lying to myself today when i looked for you every four seconds.  but i am here.  i am not going away.  i will not run from you.  i will be here and i will look YOU in the face and challenge YOU to come out.  not that you have to be with me, or ever even will.  but i will not continue to pretend that i dont see what you are doing.  or that i am crazy and making things all up in my head.  i will show up.  i will look you in the eyes and tenderly encourage YOU to talk to me.  its just too hard for me to watch and experience otherwise.  i pray i am strong enough to continue challenging you with truth and love.

and i cant help but just want one day.  some lingering moments where its just you and me and whatever it is we have together.  no guilt, no shame, no negative repercussions on anyone.  i just want you.

#nofilter

its really hard for me not to add things like, "i know this is crazy but..." and a million other disclaimers or more logical, realistic statements.   but it also feels really good to let that part speak her truth.

------
if i could:

Subject: you and me

do you know "__  ________ _______" is one of my favorite things to see?  anywhere.  i dont know why.  i try to pretend it's just another name but i see it...in my email box, on a business card, end of an email, someone else's email, my text message screen... and it just gives me a little jolt.  makes me shake my head and sigh a tiny internal sigh.  the look of that name just does something to me.  i just want it.  i want you.  i want to know you.  i want to listen to you, talk to you, hold you.  hear your thoughts and opinions and dreams.  and share mine with you.  i want you to take them and hold them and support them.  and make me believe they are valued and we can do anything.  i want to be yours.  and i want to have the kind of passion that people only wish they had.  inexplicable.  palpable.  challenging.  fire-feeding.  comforting and consuming at the same time.  again, i dont know why.  i just do.  and i wanted you to know.  in case you dont already.


can't because:

"you can't send things like that.  people in movies send things like that.  and they are the babysitter who is delusional or the young woman who he really loves more but will never leave his family for.  and someone always finds it and shame shame shame on the girl who wrote that.  she is disrespectful or a home-wrecker or needy or just dreaming.  plus, every time you reach out to him lately he is nowhere to be found.  thus you will be spun into a dark hole of embarrassment after you send that and he does not feel the same way and therefore thinks you're crazy."

but:

i am not those things.  those things that i wrote are of my heart and soul.  they are true and beautiful and meant with only love.  and if he doesn't feel the same way then it doesn't really matter.

So:

maybe one day.