im not sure but i really really really hope

so i had a one night stand the other night.  never done that before.  probably wont again.  i say probably which means no guarantees.  i mean, i may be waiting a long time for my person and sometimes i get pissed and bored and attracted so....   anyway, this is not the point.  the point is i got a phone call in the middle of it from the one and only mike robinette.  my first intense, infatuated, sexy, charismatic, horribly mean-when-drunk love.  i haven't talked to him in years.  i picked up the phone of course.

i didn't think much about this until this weekend, two weeks later. 

dustin has been around.  this weekend he texted me the morning of the market telling me if i still liked the smell of booze breath i'd be in love when i saw him. [note #1: mike robinette is the reason i love that smell.]  he asked what i wanted for breakfast.  i told him i wanted something filled with love and magic.  he brings me something wonderfully delicious and actually sits down and eats it with me.  we finish eating, he goes to his stand, i text saying the wrap was quite tasty.  he responds, "best breakfast i have had in a while.  food excluded obviously."  he comes back 10 minutes later and sits and shoots the shit with me about family, thanksgiving, my new car, whatever for about 15 minutes and says he'll be back when joy comes in the afternoon so he can meet her.  this is the most he has hung out with me at the market the whole year.  [note #2:  reference previous post for how i feel when he is near.]

blah blah carry on.  i actually asked if he wanted to hang out with joy and i, he says perhaps.  i get a little buzzed up during the twilight movie and send him a quote from the movie.  he does not respond.  still hasn't.

fine.  no need.  but here's what happend.  i was bummed.  yet again. and i couldn't believe how sad he could make me just by not responding.  he gives a little, then nothing.  gives a little more, then.....nothing.  its cuz i think he's coming back...gonna be the dude i want him to be, and then his disappearance says, nope.

but over the next 2 days reminders of mike rob and our relationship floated through my brain.  how when i was with him i felt so connected and in love with him.  and couldn't figure out how it wouldn't work.  why it was wrong when it felt so good.  and i remembered the day he told me he would go to counseling/treatment and quit drinking etc and my gut thought [finally] was, "oh shit.  i dont know if i really want all this.  if this is the kind of man i want to be with."  so here's the beginning of the epiphany:

when dustin was standing with me in my tent talking about how his goal the night before was to get his 23 year old friend to black out and how he didn't understand why the guy walking by was wearing flip flops when it was 40 degrees out in his lovely judgemental way, my gut quietly nudged me.  she said, "ahem.  you don't like hanging out with people like him." 

however, my emotions and addiction to him and hope for him/us were all at high voltage so i ignored that voice. but after he disappointed me yet again and i went to yoga to calm down, the voice was clearer as she quietly spoke in the final moments of class. "you will never think it's cool to see how drunk one can get.  and you will always shoot for putting yourself in other people's shoes, for trying to be loving and accepting.  and you are respectful.  you like respectful people.  he has not made you feel good since february.  he has litearlly done nothing to make you feel good about yourself! he shows up, doesn't let you let go, but he doesn't make you feel good about yourself.  you have been holding on to the feeling, to the parts of him you do love.  but it would be an uphill battle to make him be the kind of person you really want to be around.  to be inspired by.  and why should you force him to be something he's not?"  She's right.  My wise woman knows.  As harsh as it sounds, I dont like people like him. (of course this is on the human level, not the soul-level).

I am trying not to let my monkey mind/self-blame start analyzing why we got together in the first place then.  because it's true that i have always avoided starting relationships for this very reason.  if you date people that from the beginning you know aren't really your type, you run the risk of falling for someone you weren't really compatible with in the first place and getting all broken hearted [stupidly].  but i know that at the time he was just what i wanted.  he was just what i needed.  and he made me so happy for a little while.  he was beautiful and we were beautiful.  and he taught me to be honest despite my fears.  but im ready to let go.  i think the final piece is in place.  im not letting go because i should and because he can't/doesn't want to be with me.  i'm letting go because the man he has shown himself to truly be by his perpetual choices over the past 8 months, i do not want to be with.

so i will wait in excited anticipation for the one i do.

goodbye dustin.