tempted to read what i wrote last but i will not.

i will write here and now.

do i write mostly when i love or when i hate?  when i am confused or confident?

duh, for sure confused.  the other im not sure.

today, today, today.

him, him, him.

i have never had a such a person throw off my emotions so. dustin broke my heart, spun my emotions for sure, but this one.  man.  

i believe it is the whole situation as well.  i cant really get grounded because everything is changing.  things are scary.  i am stepping out into what is my greater potential.  theres extra power and trepidation in that as well.

doubt.

fear.

insecurity.

lust.

shame.

love.

passion.

confusion.

will.

faith.

calm.

and the inexplicable.

spending time alone in nova scotia was incredible.  strengthened my connection to my inner voice(s).  They talked about him a lot. wondered if im nuts.  when im gonna get over it.  if hes a total douchebag in real life and what that makes me.  if he thinks im ridiculous.  and if he thinks im ridiculous bc he secretly loves me or if he thinks im ridiculous bc i am. 

so i wondered.  and i worked on letting it go.  and i did great.  

today i drew a card. LOVE.  it said, "love is in everyone and can shift any situation."  i tried to think of him that way today as i prepared for our meeting.

so here he comes.  and he is the way i like him.  where i know he fucking loves me. where he'd touch me if he could.  we'd talk about anything else if we could.  we'd lock the door and pretend no one else exists.

 (already my mind is trying to say i am making this up.  that i read too much into things.  and THIS is why i am writing today. because i refuse to do that.)

I know.  i just know.  i. just. know.

It is difficult.  it will never happen.  but regardless of the way he treats me, or how busy he is, or what it triggers in me, it is not because there is something wrong with me.  it will never be that.

nicole, it will never be that.  

he loves you, he cannot help it.  just like you cant.  it is powerful and inexplicable and frustrating and confusing and too much.  for him and probably also for you.

but it is.  just know.

and know its okay.

without function

create for the purpose of creating. let go of function.  crossing things off the list.  loosen your grip.

so i try.

my feelings have been different the past few. 

i suppose "analyzing less" is congruent with "creating to create"....

i am not childishly angry.  you know, the kind of angry you get where you are mostly just hurt and disappointed.  i have been this before...where i was trying to stop thinking about him and thought the anger would help.  now i am more i-just-really-dont-have-space-for-you-in-my-life angry.  annoyed is actually a more appropriate emotion.  or indifferent.  mostly annoyed.  because i have to continue working with him and i dont think hes done a great job making this transition thing easy for me.  not me personally but me as the person he bought the business from. i think he's selfish and i've accommodated him.  and i just dont respect him anymore.  he hasn't even done anything new or different.  i just thought/felt today after he sent me an email response to only one of the two questions i asked him that he is self serving and inconsiderate and im really fucking annoyed that i have to teach him how to run my business.  my shoulder tensed up for the first time when i read his email.  it was a subtle feeling, but today for the first time i felt like it was his fault this happened. in other words, it doesn't happen because of  my emotional injuries or inadequacies or misperceptions or faulty intentions.  its cuz he fucking sucks.  and i'd really like to never see him again.

create to create.  

i hope its all good.  maybe i'll get done with nutty sooner rather than later and then i can close the door completely and move on.  but i wanted it to be a happy, feel good departure.  maybe it just cant be that way.  as i've seen, when things are going really smoothly i tend to feel like maybe i could find a role or at least a financial kickback from the business somehow so i am, in essence, still holding on.  so maybe it just has to be a "good riddance!" sort of thing in order for me to fully let it go.  i'll tell my baby i love her and wish her luck and know she will be just fine in the hands of these men (even though i currently feel like these men dont really give a shit about her).  Maybe baby nutty and i can have a proper goodbye and she says shes strong and she will show the men whats up. she's grown.  she can handle herself.  and if they dont treat her right, she will leave them.

maybe.

but shit.  i mean, yes nutty is my business but its also just a fruit and nut bar.  and if it doesn't go on it doesn't go on.  that business was ME as much as it was nutty.  and IM not disappearing im just relocating.  IM not really going anywhere in that sense.  so maybe its okay to quit trying to be so sentimental about the thing.  quit trying so damn hard period.

--------

i have no real reason to act or be angry at W the next time i see him.  im just over it.  over him.  in every aspect.  

over the longing.  the hurt.  the disappointment.  the confusion and awkwardness and embarrassment.  i want to end this whole fucking fantasy fiasco before it has any more weightiness as i go about my life and my city. i dont want to look at a fancy downtown home, or see a socially prominent person and think of them.  i dont want them on a goddamn pedestal.  i dont want to fucking hear his or her name ever again, frankly.  and i honestly dont know why i would.  two completely different worlds, remember?

dont know why im so angry today. im not going to give potential reasons because i'm creating to create, remember?

i cant believe i gave him so much time and energy.  i know i couldnt help it, it just was.  but today it feels annoying and bizarre.

im tired.